You
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
How do I choose a favorite character discovery in this weeks installment ofYou?
Is it that Benji accidentally did a murder during some extra-reckless frat hazing in a swimming pool?
Is it that Professor Perv #MeTooed at least six other young women besides Beck?
Salinger (!!)
but she doesnt like to talk about it (?!?)
and her actual relationship to J.D.
is, thus far, not explained.
Here is what we know about Peach: She is rich.
That is how rich she is.
But enough about Peach Salinger for now!
Have you forgotten have you forsaken BENJI, the artisanal soda-pop brewer and low-key cocaine addict?
He is still trapped in the basement of the bookstore!
Joe takes his sweet time visiting his prisoner, first having a little chat with our stairwell urchin.
and tells him its about a monster thats not really the monster.
Wow, thank you for that stunning insight, Joe.
Also, when I was this brats ageI read the Wishbone edition ofFrankensteinand it was perfect.
I know this isnt the point, exactly, but where does the soda-bro pee?
Hes in that glass box forseveraldays.
Thats the kind of reader service Im here to provide.
Benji puts duh and duh together and realizes that Joe is the guy from the cab with Beck.
Why didnt Joe throw on a ski mask for this adventure?
Joe isnt exactly going full Stanford Prison Experiment on Benji.
Is anything real?)
Or wouldve lied about something a little druggier?
Seems like aFear and Loathingguy to me.)
Which, of course, he cant.
In between Benji babysitting gigs, Joe finds time to take Beck on a date.
Do we believe that?
Benji strikes me the kind of person who uses his birthday for all his passwords.
Benji insists to Joe that Beck has branded the living shit out of herself.
Meanwhile, Beck alerts her friends to the drinks-and-poetry night she got coerced into having with her skeevy professor.
(Beck is not a Miranda.
The only Miranda onYouis Ethan.)
This is where Peach Salinger finds him, and messes with him by calling him Joseph.
(He trolls her by calling her Peaches which I admit made me giggle.)
(But also, people at that party were wearing jeans!
She couldve worn whatever.)
Joe gives the stairwell urchinOzma of Oz.
The childs eyes widen with wonder and fear, for he cannot keep this treasure in his home.
Ron, he says, voice thick with dread.
Ah yes, Ron!
The abusive man who reserves his homicidal rage for classic lit!
Joe explains that this petite pseudo-orphan can stash the book in a loose ceiling tile in the bathroom.
Like a secret hiding place, the boy says.
I reply, aloud: Its notlikea secret hiding place.
It is, literally, a secret hiding place.
I audibly ugh-ed at her description of this donut.
Benji drinks it and promptly dies on the floor.
Especially not your deathly allergies.
And always password-protect your devices.
