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The title of this episode the eye-roll-inducing name is Everythingship should have warned me.
I should have been prepared.
But after last week, I was allowing myself to feel something extremely 2008: hope.
But alas, 2008 was 10,000 years ago and the dominant emotions of 2018 are existential dread and disappointment.
See, Joe thinks Beck is cheating on him with her therapist.
It is very important to note here that her therapist is John Stamos, with a beard.
But no, its just Joes dopey insecurity gnawing at his barely existent soul.
(Beck gives an Instagram of them the caption The #joeandbeck dream team, so.)
All the while Joe details the bliss he once felt with Ronaldo to John Stamos.
Beck got fired from her yoga instructor job because she fell asleep while she was teaching a class.
Lets give the floor to Ethan, shall we?
Beck is terrible, Joe.
Shes always late, she leaves the register open, she doesnt know how to organize by genre.
FOR THE LOVE OF BLYTHE.)
But shitting where you eat just leads to confusion and E. coli.
Can we nominate Ethan for the Nobel Peace Prize for this glorious hunk of wisdom?
Joe points out she is not, in fact, writing.
Thinking about writing is a part of the process!
Sidebar: How does Beck afford therapy?
Unless/until they find his piss in a jar.
Love me some pee-centric suspense!
She explains her grief with a convoluted metaphor about a Little Mermaid sleeping bag that got fungus.
She tells Joe she really, truly does not want him to do anything for her birthday.
Friends: I laughed so hard.
I had to pause the episode.
He will never recover from this!
but you dont really mean it.
Joe insists, blind and helpless.
Dude, Becks aSagittarius, Lynn says.
Bless you, Lynn.
Joe dresses up as Ernest Hemingway because of course he does.
Beck shows up 40 minutes late because of course she does.
But she is in no mood for constructive criticism.
I said QUIET and SMALL, she whisper-yells.
Beck does not even have a good alibi.She pretends to have forgotten her own birthday.Also she is already drunk.
She leaves before the cake is served but is at Joes place in the morning with an apology donut.
Joe caves and hugs her.
He sees her put on red lipstick which as we know is code for HEATHEN MOUTH.
And then he gets caught.
Beck dumps him right there in the street.
Joes like, thanks but no thanks!
Come on now,You.
Im hiding what a complete, ugly mess I am.
Are you, though?
(Just wipe it clean and sell it!)
He is very dramatically letting her go.
He admits his jealousy, paraphrases her therapy session back to her, and walks away.
Joe returns home, all moody and dejected, to find Karen in the hallway.
God, this hallway.
She sees Joes broken heart yet intact cheekbones and just flings herself at him.
After they have sex, she says, I love you, Joe just to fuck with him.
This is the best part of the episode.
Then hallucination Candace returns!
Are you going to leave Beck alone, or will she end up like me?
Clearly the show wants us to think that Joe killed Candace.
But also, maybe shes just dead in a ditch.
And not even in Europe.
Just like, a regular American ditch.
