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You stupid fucking idiot.
I cant believe you just burned through your tenth free article this month and thought that we wouldnt notice.
Were the goddamnWashington Post.
We knew exactly what we were doing.
Giving you just a taste of that sweet, sweet Mueller investigation.
And then,whammo!
Right when you wanted to read about the firing of Steve Bannon, we dropped the hammer on you.
We played you like a cheap violin.
I honestly cant believe you fell for this shit.
Did you forget that journalism costs money?
Did you think that Pulitzer Prize-winning writers like Barton Gellman grow in the goddamn ground?
Or, are you just a complete dumbfuck?
Hey everyone, get a load of numbnuts over here!
This guy thought that newspaper articles were always free.
Breaking news, dickweed: It doesnt, and they dont.
Front page headline: youre a dumb asshole.
Here, let me make it up to you.
Here, do you want to give it a little read?
Oh…oh whats that?
Breaking news, dickweed: It wont.
So, fuck you.
Give us money to do journalism!
Well, Im sure we can work out some kind of…arrangement.
Want to see this great article on Jared and Ivankas complex relationship with centrist Republicans?
All you have to do is dance for us.
Yeah, nice and slow-like.
Now, say, Im a bad, bad news consumer.
Say it again, but this time, like a little baby.
Come on, put on a little newsboy cap and smile for us.
Let me hear a big, strong, Extra, extra, read all about it!
Thats right, you work for us now.
And dont you forget it, bitch.
What are you going to do, readUSA Todaylike youre staying in a goddamn Holiday Inn?
Have fun reading a shitty article about fun summer getaways for couples in their fifties.
Hope you get your rocks off doing some crossword puzzle that wouldnt challenge a fourth grader.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Are you trying to get around the paywall by pasting the link in Incognito Mode?
You think youre so fucking smart, dont you?
We will figure you out.
Well start making you sign up for an account to access articles.
Is that what you want?
So, just pay up, get yourself a digital subscription, and read to your hearts content.
Read an article and then send it to your mom.
As long as the check clears, we dont give a shit.
Its freewhich seems like something that even an assclown like you could handle.
He co-authors aweekly roundupof humor writing, and occasionallytweetsabout it.
