Lena Dunham comes to terms with herself.
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There were photos of all the nurses and doctors and surgeons.
Im like Virginia Woolf writing letters only with emojis, and nobody cares, she texted.
Then, over days and weeks, she texted some more.
Sometimes she shared memories of her ex-boyfriend Jack Antonoff, the Fun and Bleachers musician.
Once, she described her ovary remnant as reminiscent of a bean or maybe a fried clam.
There was a #RIPPariana (a reference to the breakup of Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande).
Reassurances that she wasnt on painkillers: Its all me, baby!
There was video of a hairless black puppy she was thinking of adopting and naming Rosa.
At first it felt overwhelming, but then I got used to the intimate snippets of her life.
She became like a TV show I was binge-watching.
Id seen so much of her, what was an organ?
She turned her screen toward me and there it was: the uterus shed had removedduring a hysterectomylast year.
A bloody, swollen crimson orb resting casually on industrial-blue surgical cloth.
The doctor said hed never seen a uterus as misshapen as mine, she said proudly.
I leaned in so I could see her Fallopian tubes better.
They looked like little outstretched arms.
Right now, there are purple snakeskin poufs, leopard-print rugs, and bright-green walls.
But all this will change, she says.
Irma and Candy jump up next to her, cozying under a blanket.
She got Irma right after she and Antonoff broke up.
She called her good friend Emmy Rossum, who asked what she wanted to do to feel better.
The two cats start suckling each other, making loud slurp-slurp noises while one cat Hoovers the others belly.
They love to do this.
Im sorry, but can I just confirm?
Does the fact that they are hairless not make it 70 percent more interesting to look at them?
Jack hates the cats, so getting him to come over is a chore.
(Dunham says she and Antonoff remain close.)
Later, sheposted the story of giving him upon the app, too.
Ask anybody who works with me on a pet level.
But dragging him through the court of public opinion like that doesnt get me anywhere.
She throws up her hands.
That was one where I was truly like,Welp!
Dunham enteredpop culture through a narrow doorway.
Her breakthrough film,Tiny Furniture,established her raw, self-loathing, self-referential weirdo art.
Before it hit theaters, she had to show it to distributors.
Her voice just gets to me, he said.
I always feel like thats been a metaphor for my career, she says.
Everything about it is so interesting.
Cannot stand that main girl.
In a way, she dared it all to happen, the insane expectations and attention.
Over the near-decade of Dunhams fame, culture has become far more sincere and censorious.
I was like, Well, sir, you know a lot of words.
It was like, by the way, a 21-year-old white Rasta who asked me, she says.
One I probably would have slept with.
I texted Jack last week and said, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE DATED SOMONE EVERYBODY HATES?
He wrote back, They only hate you because they love you so much, true story.
Which is like,What a sweetie.
What a liar and a sweetie.
Dunham internalized the feedback sort of.
Somehow was it the whiff of insincerity that clings to reflexive apologies?
her efforts to use her platform for righteous causes only made people more annoyed by her.
She says Antonoff used to tell her, Youre a provocateur and dont even know it.
The morning afterGirlsfilmed its last episode, in September 2016, when Dunham woke up, it was raining.
She called an Uber and spilled a smoothie on the seat during the ride.
I was just like,Oh my God, Im such a disaster in the real world.
Dunham is proud of the alter ego and the pantsuit even still.
She did not donate.
Physical pain is really isolating …
I was lonely and medicated.
(Im very flexible, she says.
Its the reason Im good at sex and also why Im gonna die.)
She didnt have time to freeze her eggs.
I was in too much pain to wait, she explains.
I thought I would do anything to have a kid naturally.
Turned out that wasnt true.
When she woke up from her surgery, her first question was Did you find anything?
(Dunham has been public about her experiences with sexual assault.)
This is my tribe.
Lets keep it safe.
Her digital strategist sent her a text with four familiar words: Youre trending on Twitter.
Apatow warned her, I dont think this is what you meant to do.
Thats not how, in this day and age especially this isnt how we talk about women.
That was a Girl, what the fuck moment for me.
I asked her, Why did you do that?
So Dunham did what Dunham has had to do over and over: She apologized on Twitter.
(Konner declined to speak to the family and for this story.)
Dunham starts squeezing blackheads on Irma the hairless cats chin.
Dunham begins to remove her hoops and gold rings.
This is what I do right before my naps.
I take off my jewels.
Simmons and a big, suspicious collie greet me at the door.
Lenas just taking a shower, she explains, and leads me to a sitting room.
It is sparse and dramatic, with dark walls, luxuriously oversize furniture.
Each object seems to have been chosen and placed after much deliberation.
Simmons puts out a bowl of almonds.
Her face is Dunhams face, only longer and narrower.
Dunham enters the room in black-and-white pajamas, glowing pink post-shower.
Shes really good at pajamas, since she spends so much time in them these days.
Mama, I like that shirt!
Is it a fancy brand?
Dunham calls out to Simmons as she passes by.
Arebothyour parents black, Allison?
Dunham asks in reply.
But she canceled the trip to be there for her daughter during the most recent surgery.
Its been tough, Simmons says.
Ive gotten really good at hospitals.
Im a pretty private person, says Simmons.
But what can I say if Lena calls it her work, then its her work.
Mama, can I have this chicken leg?
Dunham says, rising to serve herself more food.
She stands picking at the salad surrounding the chicken.
You just reminded me of your iguana, Simmons says affectionately.
You have arugula sticking out of your mouth.
At one point we had 16 pets living here, brags Dunham.
No, we didnt, says Simmons.
Dunham slides back into her seat, chattering about whats on TV later.
Simmons is obsessed with CNNs Don Lemon, which Dunham thinks is funny, but they watch him together.
Simmons especially liked his commentary on the recent Megyn Kelly blackface controversy.
I am so pleased to report that Ive never done an ethnic costume, Dunham announces.
Simmons asks and moves to get more wine.
Dunham repeats how much she likes her mothers shirt.
Everything good that Ive been wearing recently belongs to you.
Im saying,You just go in and help yourself.
Recently, as a guest onJimmy Kimmel Live!,Dunham pranked her parents.
Did Simmons enjoy it?
You didnt hate it, though, did you?
Im sorry, Mom.
Did you have backlash about it?
No, I just wish I had lipstick on.
You were great about it.
You were an angel.
Dad loved the prank.
Oh, he did?
He told me he did; he said it was genius.
Whether the prank was genius it was very clever is separate from whether or not we liked it.
Simmons is philosophical about her frequent appearances in Dunhams work.
Writers and artists, they use their parents as subject matter.
They mine the family history to understand who they are.
The study is filled with the Dunham siblings framed art from childhood.
(Cyrus prefersthey/thempronouns.)
Even now, when some people attack Dunham, they call her a child molester.
This year, Simmons made new work about gender and photographed Cyrus as part of the project.
Lena didnt like being left out, despite not being a natural fit for the theme.
I forced you to do me, Dunham says to her mother.
I pitched really hard.
I was like, I dont want to get left out of this.
Dunham leads me to her bedroom and closes the door.
Eight months ago, Dunham got out from under aKlonopin addiction.
She also didnt like what drugs were doing to her relationships.
Its a mix of aggression and regression.
He was like, Youre not nice.
I was like, Sorry.
Dunham wanted to be drug free so you can enter intensive treatment for her previously undiagnosed PTSD.
She had begun to experience panic attacks and crippling depression.
She says the PTSD was a result of the trauma of sexual assault and medical trauma.
Gynecological appointments were particularly triggering.
Im a benzo doula.
Its always like a little catch in the throat when I think about it.
Dunham sits cross-legged at the edge of her unmade bed.
When I just figured out you could mute Instagram stories, it was such a fucking blessing.
Jack and I made a couple of Jewish-power-couple lists, which I was proud of, she says.
Three years ago,she wrote inThe New Yorkerabout her expectation that they would get married.
Our relationship probably lasted longer than it should have, Dunham says.
Hes a very loyal person, so he was not going to bail when the going got tough.
He literally held my hand while I got an enema on New Years Eve while his family celebrated.
Maybe we want different things out of our lives.
Maybe we have different attitudes about what family means.
Theyofficially broke upa month after her hysterectomy.
It was a mutual decision, she tells me.
The breakup felt real to Dunham only when she saw the announcement on E!
and paparazzi showed up at her home.
(Hey @jackantonoff I just found a potential baby name list we made in 2015.
I still think its funny, she says.
After the list went out, she called Antonoff a few times and he didnt pick up right away.
(He was in the studio).
When he got back to her, he said, No, its funny.
He knows that being the hysterical ex-girlfriend is kinda like the weirdest, funniest, public performance.
But it hurts, too, she admits.
It hurts looking at his new girlfriends Instagram stories (Antonoff is reportedly dating model Carlotta Kohl).
I thought I was kind of proving weird girls can have love too.
And now hes dating somebody who looks regular and normal and like girls are supposed to look.
Someone even created an obsessively researched viral PowerPoint presentation that made a near-airtight case for Antonoffs cheating on Dunham.
But in the bigger picture, it was so embarrassing, she says, closing her eyes.
It was awful because I felt like a weird She cuts herself off.
I dont think anything happened between them.
I can never know someone elses life.
I have never spoken to Ella [Lorde] about it.
We havent talked since Jack and I broke up.
For several months, Dunham has been very casually seeing an artist she met through mutual friends.
I have PTSD and no uterus.
Kirkes answer: A soldier who hates condoms.
Dunhams split with Konner seems harder to process than the one with Antonoff.
The women had an intensely close friendship, which they often described in interviews as co-dependent.
Others told me Konner was like Dunhams mom.
The loafers she is wearing in Connecticut were a Christmas present from Konner.
Last month, Lenny Letter announcedit would cease publication.
The only times Dunham gets uncharacteristically tight-lipped are when I ask questions about Konner.
It seems there was no explosive breaking point but rather a slow dissolution.
People who are close to both of them say they are no longer friends.
Dunham seems to shoulder the blame.
She began her PTSD treatment whileCampingwas in production, leaving Konner to take care of the show.
Now she doesnt have to absorb whatever bullshit I tweet that day, Dunham says.
Shes doing her best to be quieter.
She skipped theCampingpremiere, owing to her health, she said.
She canceled on the day of, again citing health.
While Simmons remains an active member of Times Up, Dunham has decided to step back.
My voice isnt needed, she says simply, a sentence she might never have uttered before.
Shes still friends with Taylor Swift, which surprises even her.
She has a new plan to go to parties only if they have no more than five other people.
Im like, Bitch,youget 3 million followers, then deleteyouraccount.
She also got an apartment in the West Village.
My whole identity was, like, Brooklyn, and now Im like,Thank you, Lord.
Im back amongst my tribe,which is like old people puttering around the health-food store.
If I never see another fucking person in a cool sack dress with their baby again …
It was almost like I was throwing a match, burning it down.
It was alwaysimpossible to separate Hannah Horvath from Lena Dunham, the creator.
Plots were pulled directly from her life, after all.
Shes also working with friends, like Nicole Richie, to help them develop their own writing.
All I would tell her is to not make a run at do everything.
Not have to say everything or react instantly, Remnick says.
For the sake of her own work and the sake of her own ability to live in this world.
The film is being produced by J. J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg.
But she tells me she has a multipoint plan to avoid stepping into it again.
She is working with Al Zamel, her translator, and Melissa Fleming, who wrote the book.
She hasnt announced all of this yet because the plans are still in the works.
