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They say that in a crisis, you learn what youre truly made of.
(It should go without saying that I am also drinking.)
Recently, however, my rock-solid coping mechanism for the collapse of our republic turned on me.
What I am telling you here is that Meghan Markles name is not actually Meghan.
It is Rachel!!!!!!
As a person named Rachel who goes by the name Rachel, I experienced a rapid-fire series of emotions.
Pride: We have the same name!
Confusion: Why doesnt she use our name?
Anger: Does she think the name Rachel isntgoodenough for her?
Because Meghan Markle does not actually exist.
I had a new purpose now.
I needed to know:Whydid Rachel drop the Rachel?
Was she embarrassed by the fact that Rachel sort of rhymes with Markle, and that sounds dumb?
Did she prefer the alliterative LIE of Meghan Markle?
(Youll notice that my name is still Rachel, though.)
Or did she just do it to fuck with me personally?
So will she be Rachel, Duchess of Sussex?
Perhaps shell legally change her name to Meghan when she marries.
The only person who seems to care about Rachel Markles name is the queen herself, thank God.
and Our Trusty and Well-beloved Catherine Elizabeth Middleton.
The queen knows Rachel Markle is not trusty.
Not trusty at all.
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My first stop: Lisa Ryan, the Cuts royal expert.
Im not entirely sure why Meghan ditched the Rachel part of her name, Lisa told me.
I do know that shes gone by Meghan at least since she was young.
But back to the friend.
I emailed Ninaki in hopes that I would join these esteemed ranks.
She did not get back to me.
Here is the letter I wrote to the queen about Rachel Markle:
She has yet to respond.
I guessed a few of her email address possibilities, and I await her reply with bated breath.
Im sure you will love the movie, Menhaj told me.
My guess is that its her brand as an actor.
Meghan Markle is a very catchy name, more than Rachel Markle [Ed.
Note: wow] so she stuck with it and it worked!
My next attempt at the truth: An email to Madame Tussauds London.
I asked them two questions: (1) What do you know about Meghans mysteriously missing first name?
I also tweeted at Kensington Palace, and at Rachels royal biographerAndrew Morton.
Neither has replied to me.
I received exactly one reply, from somebody who claimed they were not Thomas: Sent to wrong email.
I dont know this person.
I emailed a bunch of her sorority sisters whod spoken to the press before.
A woman incredibly named Coulter Bump got back to me.
that Meghan went by her middle name, wrote Coulter.
Ive only known her as Meghan.
In my memory, Meg was always Meghan Markle, never Rachel, she said.
I dont know what she went by in high school, but at Northwestern she was always Meghan.
In a particularly dark moment, I then emailed Samanthas ex-husband.
Both have, quite fairly, ignored me entirely.
I figured if anyone would be petty enough to sink to my level, it would be Trevor.
James sighed the sigh of a man condemned.
I dont, he said.
As guidance, thats the name shes always used.
Perhaps Rachel Markle is a pioneer among sheep a woman unafraid to say, Call me Meghan.
But thats not how this story is going to end.
In fact, its possible that this story will never end.
I will either find out why Rachel Markle goes by Meghan, or I will die trying.
you might open with Madam.
