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(Everyone else who doesnt need a Christmas blockbuster to be a documentary is mostly fine with it.)
Accusing the Catholic Mary of being the leader of conspiracies against her, Elizabeth ordered Marys execution in 1587.
(Despite the 2018 films version of events, the two queens never actually met.)
But which furious Mary is themostfurious?
Using a highly scientific criteria, we ranked our Marys from the least to most angry.
General yelling: 0/5
Furious crying: 0/5
Shouting things like TRAITOR!
- or I AM THE QUEEN!
0/5
More furious about the situation than Elizabeth I: 1/5(maybe?)
It all starts quite nicely: Mary Stuart kind of looks like a carefree, brunette Sleeping Beauty!
and her terrible marriage to her selfish weakling second husband.
She remained quite contrary to the end, Walt says with finality.
or I AM THE QUEEN!
Theres a lot of shouting and crying!
Soon everyone is furious, particularly Elizabeth.
I WHO SO OFTEN SAVED HER LIFE!
Have some consideration for me, rather than always thinking of yourself!
Mary still thinks she is the rightful queen, but is more serene about the matter.
This does not serve her, unfortunately.
Furious crying: 1/5
Shouting things like TRAITOR!
or I AM THE QUEEN!
(If anything, its worth watching for Tom Hardy playing statesman/the Queens boyfriend, Robert Dudley.
He has a very funny tiny beard.)
The third episode is partly about the court putting pressure on Elizabeth to execute Mary.
She spends a lot of time pacing around the equivalent of castle boardrooms, yelling at scared men.
Shes generally quite a furious queen.
How dare you!!
Mary, in comparison, is incredibly chill (and very French).
Shes incredibly aloof, which perhaps is the French way to be furious?
Shouting things like TRAITOR!
or I AM THE QUEEN!
This Elizabeth does not suffer fools (is Helen Mirren capable of playing someone whodoessuffer fools?)
and does a fair bit of furious crying at the fact that she is surrounded by sycophants.
she says to Jeremy Irons) and Mary is less excited about.
You are hard, says Mary with a sneer.
I am an anointed queen, she says to her friends, later.
I SHED MY BLOOD FOR THE ANCIENT CATHOLIC RELIGION!
she yells, before she is very graphically beheaded … which takes more than one attempt.
While Mary is portrayed as a young hottie, Elizabeth is older and extremely jealous.
Is this a fair trial?
Or is it a mockery?
This Mary played by Clemence Poesy is Frenchier and blonder than in most depictions.
Mostly, this Mary inspires a great deal of anger.
as she walks down the street.
You must OBEY your queen, and they all get embarrassed.
She makes the same indignant face when she plans her husbands murder as she does receiving another marriage proposal.
Elizabeth seems more mad about Marys existence than vice versa.
Shouting things like TRAITOR!
or I AM THE QUEEN!
Mary is very grumpy about being in prison and thinks that her jailers are a bunch of hysterical imbeciles.
Do you think Im conspiring with the birds, perhaps?
Or bribing the rats for escape?
I just sent some letters!
and tells the English gleefully, I owe England nothing.
This Mary is sentimental (she also sings!)
but Elizabeth is still reluctant to execute her.
History was a lot more interesting in the 70s.)
She has abused me!
How dare she waste my time!
I will not trust her from this day forward!
Elizabeth is fairly impassive about it all and seems to decide to execute her on a whim.
General yelling: 2/ 5(mostly at the men around her)
Shouting TRAITOR!
or I AM THE QUEEN!
People of the court sleep with each others boyfriends (and sometimes, the king of France!
), spread rumors about each other, have threesomes, and deal with unplanned pregnancies.
They go to balls in flower crowns and dance to instrumental versions of Royals by Lorde.
Theyre queens bees who are literally queens.
ItsGossip Girlwith corsets, basically.
Like most good teen TV shows, theres a lot of yelling and (literal) backstabbing inReign.
Elizabeth is introduced in season three and is basically a redheaded Regina George who likes insulting people for funsies.
Furious crying: 5/5
Shouting things like TRAITOR!
or I AM THE QUEEN!
Two rival actresses (Elizabeth Taylor and Kim Novak yep!)
Later, she tells her husband (Rock Hudson!)
that that bitch has so many lines on her face you could drive a train on it.
When someone attempts to poison Taylor, she suspects that Novak wants her dead.
Kim Novak isnt as threatened by Taylor, but still relishes in the opportunity to show up her competitor.
(If I had a dollar for every time Ive said that in my workday.)
says Elizabeth in disgust.
Wigs get taken off, threats are made, and Mary goes in strong.
Should you murder me, know that you would murder your sister, Mary says, through tears.
And you murder YOUR QUEEN!
General yelling: 5/5
Shouting things like TRAITOR!
or I AM THE QUEEN!
I DONT LIKE YOUR TONE!
she yells at her half-brother.
MY RELIGION IS NOT LIKE A GARMENT I CAN TAKE ON AND OFF WITH THE WEATHER!
Now I see your treachery, she says with venom.
You not only betray your sovereign, you betray YOURSELVES.
Everyone shits their pants.
Mary dismisses her panicked cousin and responds sternly: You were always afraid of me.
Youre afraid of me still.
You know my blood will stain you.
And it will never wash off.
Shine theory really didnt exist back then.
We all have a cousin like that!
All she does is sit around in a castle and think about God!
Am I danger to England when I pray?
she says sarcastically to her captors, then scribbles coded letters when they leave.
When the letters are uncovered, Mary is like, Who, me?
I love my cousin!
Mary yells TRAITORS!!!
then waggles her fingers about and falls to the ground.
Fury score: 22
