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This is big, he said.
I wasnt falling for that old line.
How do you audition for a part with no lines?
Are you sitting down?
I was sitting down.
Im always sitting down.
Id just bought a used DVD set ofThe Shieldand was deep into the corruption of the LAPD Rampart Division.
Yo, that show was deep.
So, yeah, I was sitting.
Spit it out already.
We got you an audition forDreamgirls, he said, then paused for maximum dramatic effect.
The star-studded cast would be:Beyonce.
(Getttt the fuck outta here!
This was the call Id been waiting for my whole life; it was the opportunity of a lifetime.
I was so incredibly grateful and proud, and yet the biggest feeling I had wasnt excitement.
And I am telling you, I did not want to go.
I blew the roof off the James Madison Primary School gym in Edison, New Jersey.
The genre that falls directly into my sweet spot is classical.
Firstly, Bey wasnt Queen Bey just yet.
She wasnt even Bey yet, really.
This was way before she broke me withLemonade.
Shes evolved and been through some shit so imagine her performance now!
So, no, I wasnt scared to share the screen with the pre-queen.
I dont hang out around here.And hey, if thats your jam, then thats your jam.
But there have to be better pickup locales.After that, Eddie was pretty low-key.
Killing it in the voiceover field as Donkey inShrek, but again, he wasnt doing drama.
So, yeah, that may have given me pause, but you know what?
Thats what the hell I was here for.
I came to LA to do my best among the best.
So, no, I wasnt intimidated … per se.
I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.
My set killed and my inner attention whore wasnt mad at that crowd approval.
I had one goal in mind.
I wanted my own sitcom The Retta Show.
I auditioned for anything I could, and fine-tuned my stand-up.
Your girl husssssstled and that shit paid off.
This was an iconic piece of black theater.
And as my manager kept pointing out, it was going to be Big.
At the time, I felt like I didnt really fit into the black comedy scene.
I told myself I wasnt urban enough in my act.
I just wasnt covering the same subject matter that I saw other black comics doing.
That wasnt my shit and, as a result, I feared the black audience for a long time.
I was one of those girls who the black girls in my high school said sounded white.
Everybody knows it’s possible for you to live or die on a black comedy stage.
I didnt think they would like me, because I wasnt doing quintessentially black material.
It took me a long time to learn that as long as youre yourself that audience will accept you.
There are white comics who do black shows and kill.
It seemed the safest bet because I wouldnt be playing myself, Id be playing a character.
An iconic character in the black theater canon.
Giving me the chance to finally be recognized by the black audience.
My original goal was to be a sitcom star.
Now I was being offered an opportunity to be a movie star?
Yeah, a movie star.
But first Id have to get through the audition.
Id have to sing And I Am Telling You, Im Not Going.
Now if that doesnt make you want to shit your pants, I dont know what will.
As many times as I had auditioned in my career, I still felt sick every time.
This would be infinitely worse.
Because this was going to be Big.
That motherfucker was in my head.
The fear of rejection is real, my friends.
She decided I wasnt right for that part but wanted to create something for me.
After I immediately said yes, she told me the character was a lesbian.
I think youd be great.
Okay, just give me a job!
Thats what I wanted to say.
But before I could, I panicked.
Ive never even kissed a man on camera so I definitely havent been skin on skin with a woman.
I cant show my tits and I cant lick anyone elses.
I think I can handle kissing a woman but thats about it.
Oh, youd never have to doallthat!
She was right because the vice thing didnt see the light of day.
And her name is Retta.
You really tryna make me a lesbian, huh?
I had already shot a pilot for HBO called$5.15/Hour.
The suits at HBO were nervous.Sex and the Citywas ending and they were looking for another hit.
Ill give you one guess as to which made it to air and which didnt.
Or so I thought.
It turned out I was gonna have to audition for the part.
The part shedcreatedjust for me.
The character she naaaaamed Retta.
Apparently, one of the casting directors had her doubts about me and needed to see me read.
I agreed to go in, but now I was helluh nervous.
After that first audition the writer-producer called me to tell me they wanted the director to meet with me.
We would talk about the part and I would come back to do another producers session.
After that second audition, the producer called me.
It was the most heartbreaking rejection Id had since Id arrived in Hollywood.
Plus, it never aired.
Let that shit roll around in your cerebellum for a second.
Even a full year after the rejection, its hard not to give up when nightmares like that happen.
Every time you make a run at get out, they pull you back in!
We really want you to go in for this!
All I could say was, Thats crazy.
This was my big chance and I was blowing it.
Was I in shock?
What was wrong with me?
For one, I couldnt dance.
Back up, back up.
When I used to go to clubs in college I didnt need somebody to ask me to dance.
I was there to work, to work that floor.
Every year for my birthday party, I hire a DJ and there are two separate rooms.
The bar room and the dance floor.
I double-check everyone knows the dance floor is for dancing.
Dont come in here if youre not gonna dance.
Dont waste the space.
Do not come up in here unless youre ready to bring it.
Very few people can compete with my facial skills.
So, in conclusion, I can dance.
Im just not physically able to do choreography anymore.
Right after I got to LA, I went to a shindig at a house in the Hills.
I didnt want to go, I was in a stank mood, but my friend insisted.
The place was packed.
I dropped about five feet and dozens of people fell on top of me.
I was on the bottom of the pile with a dislocated ankle.
It looks like your ankles dislocated.
We need to reduce your ankle!
I can do it!
Im a med student at UCLA!
We dont need to do shit.
And Im gonna need you to back the fuck away from me.
The fire department finally came and a few handsome fellas saved me.
They strapped me to a long backboard and carried me out of the yard like a swollen Cleopatra.
How was I gonna dance inDreamgirlswith a wonky ankle and a pair of busted knees?
I didnt want to get a reputation as a pain in the ass.
Second, the idea of wardrobe was freaking me out.
My neophyte ass thought they were going to Nordstrom to shop for a period piece.
I was also panicked that Id have to wear heels.
I dont wear heels.
Ihaveto wear completely flat shoes at all times because of the pain and scar tissue in my ankle.
I convinced myself I couldnt survive the shoot, a shoot I hadnt yet been asked to join.
A film I hadnt even auditioned for yet.
I was sure I couldnt do it.
So I didnt do it.
I never said no; I was way more chickenshit than that.
I just kept avoiding it, putting it off.
They went with the seventh-place finalist of season three ofAmerican Idol.
They cast Jennifer Hudson.
She had no credits.
But you know what shedidhave?
The balls to show up to the audition.
When it was official that I wouldnt be auditioning because the role was cast, I wasnt relieved.
I was ashamed of myself.
For the first time in my life, I understood the phrase the fear of success.
Before then I always thought it was the dumbest thing Id ever heard.
But now I got it.
Becausethatwas what I wanted.
To be in those big movies with big stars.
Thats why I was here.
But I was scared.
Scared of things not going perfectly.
Scared of being perceived as a problem.
Scared of sharing the screen with big names.
Basically scared of success.
The next Christmas, I went to seeDreamgirlswith my brother back home in New Jersey.
He didnt know that Id been offered an audition for Effie.
I didnt tell anyone.
She was wearing flats.The kind you’ve got the option to fold and put in your purse.
I have no doubt, I could have sung And I Am Telling You, Im Not Going.
I dont know that Id have sung it better than Jennifer.
She won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress based on that performance.
It goes a little something like this:
Bitch, stop wasting time fearing the worst.
Thats what you came here for.
From So Close to Being the Sh*t, Yall Dont Even Knowby Retta.
Copyright 2018 by the author and reprinted by permission of St. Martins Press.
