The Real Housewives of Orange County
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We need to get one thing straight.
Victoria Denise Gunvalson Jr. does not know how to twerk.
I love that she tries to.
I love that the other women are obsessed with getting her to do it.
But what Vicki does is not twerking.
A proper twerk is a flipping of the pelvis which makes only the backside and surrounding areas shake.
It is an isolation move where only one small part of the anatomy hinges on a single axis.
That is not what Vicki does.
Vicki just turns her rump to everyone and then vibrates her entire body.
What she does is less of a twerk and more of a fleshen jackhammer.
But we will not.
There are more important topics about this episode that need our attention.
Tantamount to all of those issues is just how damn good Kelly Dodd looks in a bikini.
I didnt know what I wanted.
Did I want to be her?
Did I want to sleep with her?
But even without her uncannily good body, I want to be Kelly Dodds best friend.
That seems like the most fun group in the entire world.
That also explains why shes so obsessed with her mother-in-law and having a relationship with her.
This is a nice side to Emily, one that gives her a bit more excitement and depth.
If only her mother had abandoned her at a carnival, she might be an all-time great Housewife.
The problem with Gina and Emily, however, is that they have each other.
Then they go and talk to Tamra about what happened when she confronted Shannon.
This is not how Real Housewives do it.
They have to insinuate themselves into the argument, not ask about it after it all went down.
It seems that Gina and Emily have spent most of the season sitting on the sidelines.
(This was, of course, the most hilarious part of the entire episode.)
Shannon is not getting paid to sit things out.
How could she die?
Hotel rooms are totally safe.
Just ask Whitney Houston.
(OH, it will always be #TooSoon for that.
This is a little bit revisionist history, but her point is real.
She was active about searching for forgiveness.
She is not active in establishing her own forgiveness.
Tamra isnt going to Shannon to give a shot to make it all better for a change.
Tamra tells Shannon that Gina remembered that and brought it up and it had nothing to do with Tamra.
This is also some revisionist history.
Still, everyone leaves Jamaica happy and forgiven.
Once again, the waters of the O.C.
are placid and lovely.
