The Real Housewives of New Jersey
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More has been made of Danielles vision for a Bride SquadSports Illustratedspreadthan her actual wedding.
Wait, squad, Danielle corrects herself.
(Did you know?
Bride tribe has 1.3 million Google search results, and bride squad only 777,900.
Shouldve leaned into the assonance, girl.)
Less kindly, it is extremely lame.
A man presents the models with fresh coconut water and Melissa exclaims, Yeah, mon!
This would be offensive even if they were in Jamaica, which they most definitely are not.
Lucky for them, this place is BYOB.
The second B, here, stands for bowl full of several large bottles of booze.
The Joes decide to speak now rather than forever hold their peace.
Your fucking heads going to fucking explode.
If anybody can pussy whip somebody, its her; shes so frigging hot!
an increasingly annoyed Marty says of Danielle, who he will later affectionately describe as a challenge.
The groom doth protest too much.
Joe B. responds, and Marty dumps a drink on his crotch.
Sensing the possibility of imminent violence, and possibly an international incident, Joe G. leaps into action.
His Brand Is Crisis.
We were fucking with you to see if you loved her.
You passed the fucking test!
Cut to a confessional, where Joe explains with deathly seriousness, This was not a test.
Men truly are from outer space.
Do you think Im after Marty for his money?
she asks Joe B., while no doubt reaching for the poison-tipped dagger strapped to her thigh.
Im debating the answer, he explains, before weakly summoning a no.
She argues that the way Teresa screamed at her is not how an educated person would behave.
Surely thats a good omen.
The sun rises on Danielle Staubs third wedding day.
Itll be fine, Marge tells Joe, and herself.
I thought it was supposed to be about me!
Im the one getting marrieeeed todaaaay!
After a few minutes of crying into her iced coffee, Margaret leaves.
I fucking have your back more than anybody, she says, correctly.
And out of anybody here you speak to me the worst and treat me the worst.
Shes getting on a plane.
Out in the hallway, Danielle hugs Margaret and begs her to stay.
Dont fucking leave me, she mewls, and Margaret relents.
Shell stick around for the wedding, but this friendship is running on fumes.
Sadly, we cant all have a romance as long-lasting as that of, say,the former DAgostinos.
