The Bachelor
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A lot of people say that Donald Trumps election was a response to Barack Obama.
That a president like Donald Trump could only be possible as a reaction to Barack Obama.
That America would look at an optimistic, competent black president and respond with whatever Trump is.
A raccoon wearing a human suit?
A sentient rotting tangerine?
A toddler using the rulebook toMonopoly: The Godfather Editionas a mantra?
Hes dallying in real estate because hes really translating those race-car skills into his new field.
Everyone definitely has the feel of, Well, I guess were doing this.
We really wanted Peter, but the show must go on!
Arie sits down with Sean Lowe, the only former Bachelor available on short notice.
Sean says that this process is going to work because Arie is 36 years old.
So hes either giving bad advice or no one is listening to him.
I dont know which one is a stronger indictment of the system.
Sean Lowe ends his advice session by pretending that his baby tells Arie to respect women.
Its time to meet a few of the ladytestants.
We have to talk about something.
Of the 30 women, only five are 30 or older.
The oldest woman is 33.
Why does Arie get to go after womenten years youngerthan him?
Damn, you cant beat the patriarchy, can you?
Theres a white woman with short hair!
A pixie haircut is a feminist triumph this season.
Shes the Susan B. Anthony of the season.
(Her age was suspiciously left off ofher official bio.)
Lets meet a few of my personal favorites.
First, there must be some well in Arkansas where they keep finding these bitches.
Second, I definitely thought Ravens store was named Greg Suede because of the unfortunate Pinterest-inspired font choice.
Then theres Kendall, your absurdly attractive weirdo.
She plays the ukulele and collects giant taxidermy animals.
Theres Koach Krystal, who has an online fitness empire and a voice made for ASMR.
She says she has a passion for nutrition, so obviously I despise her.
Its time for Host Chris to greet Arie and prepare him for the arrival of the ladytestants.
Host Chris asks him, Do you think this can work?
and Arie says, It better work.
The ladytestants begin to arrive and they all scream about how much of a stud Arie is.
I dont doubt they find him attractive, but everyone keeps referring to him as a stud.
My friends, Arie is no stud.
Idris Elba is a stud.
Joe Manganiello is a stud.
Any Chris in a superhero movie is a stud.
Arie is a West Covina 8.
Tia gives him a tiny wiener toy and asks, You dont already have one, do you?
which is legitimately funny.
Annaliese arrives in a mask with a bag of kisses and declares that shes the Kissing Bandit.
Theres a whole series of race-car puns.
Two women arrive in cars.
Pixie Cut arrives in a 65 Mustang and Maquel arrives in a Formula One race car.
Chelsea is a hot bitch and Iminto it.
The biggest scandal during the arrivals is that there are four women named Lauren.
This show cant even manage name diversity.
This feels like aBlack Mirrorepisode.
To paraphraseMallory Ortberg, What ifThe Bachelorbut too many Laurens.
She answers every one of his questions with another question or something from a fortune cookie.
Arie is into hermysteriousnature.
Im deeply in love with her.
Lauren G. puts a piece of pineapple in his mouth and tells him thats her safe word.
I hope her kink also involves pieces of tropical fruit being shoved in his mouth.
Chelsea decides that because she sat down with him first, she deserves a second chance.
She kisses him with her full open mouth and Im not a fan.
Then she asks him what three things make him excited to be alive.
His answer is astounding.
First thing he says is excitement.
What makes you excited to be alive?
This is not one of those the answer is in the question situations.
He tries to redeem it by going adrenaline.
We all heard you say excitement.
He follows it up with Pizza.
He sounds like the menu at the Olive Garden.
When youre here, youre excitement!
This guy is a fucking drip and all of Bekahs answers areso damn goodand he said excitement.
Everyone is stressing out about the first-impression rose.
Brittany T. thinks shes in the running for it because they shared a kiss after a Power Wheels race.
Arie swoops in and grabs the rose and asks to steal Chelsea away.
He gives her the first-impression rose.
Yeah, so its time for the rose ceremony.
Koach Krystal stands perfectly still with a frozen smile.
), Lauren B., Ashley, Tia, and Maquel all get roses.
Maquel gets the last rose and says, Arie, whyd you do that to me?!
Read the room, Maquel.
The sun is fully out as the eliminated ladytestants file out into the world.
Now her dad will never meet her husband.
Im sure all that wasveryattractive to hear in Aries first conversations with her.
Arie is going to be in the drivers seat next week.
