The Bachelor
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We all must confront the truth.
Arie is the most boring human being to wander this big beautiful marble.
Youre probably saying to yourself, Ali!
We all know Arie is boring!
Im not scared of him.
Hes got all the excitement of boil-in-a-bag rice.
Hes like a pair of Transitions lenses come to life.
(Heres a discussion question for the group: Does Arie think hes boring?
Does he think hes cool?
Does he look in the mirror and go, Im a cool and interesting dude?)
Whats even worse is that hes not just impossibly boring.
I cant point to a single genuine moment hes had with any of the ladytestants.
We saw real fear, real terror, real emotion.
He can barely muster anything that resembles human affection.
Lets get into this beige nightmare.
Arie describes Paris in the same way as Fort Lauderdale: cool and sexy.
Mainly because theyre all 26 years old.
Its going to be an action-packed week with four dates.
Two one-on-one dates, a group date, and finally a two-on-one date.
Everyone knows that at least one of the two-on-one date slots is going to be filled by Krystal.
Weirdly, she knows it.
But we cant get there yet.
First, its time for Laurens one-on-one date.
This season feels all wonky.
But I think Lauren B. might be a front-runner.
Lauren looks like Stefan Urquelle version of Lauren Bushnell, Oatmeals ex-fiancee.
Shes decided that her main struggle is that she hasnt opened up enough to Arie.
Arie really wants his relationship with Lauren B. to work.
Weve literally seen these people talk ONCE.
Who cares if this non-relationship doesnt work out?
Arie opens up first about his worst heartbreak.
If anyone was looking for a compelling Arie narrative, this is it.
Lauren feels that its her turn to open up.
She even manages to bury the lede because she reveals she was engaged and that relationship failed.
Was that one of the screening questions?
Lauren gets the rose.
Back at the U by Uniworld Millennial River Cruise, the group-date card arrives.
Everyone also realizes that Kendall and Krystal will be going on the two-on-one.
Krystal pushes her ribs through her skin to use as weapons against Kendall in an alarming display of self-defense.
Ugh, this Moulin Rouge date.
Its another excuse for Arie to see the ladytestants in skimpy outfits.
Everyone puts on a thong and a headdress and just prances in front of Arie.
Did she make a PowerPoint presentation?
Its time for the two-on-one date.
Krystal and Kendall head to the French countryside to meet Arie at a chateau.
Arie also sees a lute in a painting in the chateau and calls it a ukulele.
Its unclear if hes joking.
Arie takes Krystal in her sailor pants and crushed-velvet cami aside.
He tells her that he would always want her to come to him first if she has any problems.
This is his most reasonable and relatable moment.
Krystal says that she would never throw away all the color and texture of their relationship.
She thinks shes Mitch McConnell when shes really Paul Ryan.
She knows that Krystal says hurtful things when she feels like her back is against the wall.
Kendall peered deep into Krystals soul and told her about herself.
That was a spiritual read.
Krystal just says, I dont really have words.
Krystal has no idea how to handle emotional intelligence and maturity.
Unfortunately, its never going to move her to change or be less hurtful.
Kendall gets the two-on-one date rose and Arie just walks out with her and goes, Bye to Krystal.
Jacqueline has the final date of the week and again, is she a contender?
Who is this girl?
Arie watches her try on a dress and they go to dinner.
Her hair is huge and amazing.
Her main issue is shes planning on getting a Ph.D. and Arie is worried shes too smart for him.
Its just another obstacle to get through together.
She gets the first-date rose.
Its finally time for the rose ceremony.
Bekah M., Sienne, and Becca K. all get roses.
Where was all this personality earlier?
Au revoir, Paris!
