The Bachelor
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His hand is shaking so much that the ash is falling onto the keyboard.
I told you to keep my editing bay clean, he hears a voice behind him.
I thought I told you to get your shit together, the voice says again.
He spins around and seesher.The ABC executive.
Shes eating an In-N-Out burger while wearing a white suit.
Her suit is spotless.
I was just going to come find you.
Were um having a problem with the episode.
What problem could there be?
Theres just … nothing there.
Hes just so boring.
I dont think anyone will care.
Not even the footage with John Cena added anything.
We cant say needle dick on the air.
The ABC executive licks her fingers and walks up to the editor.
She wipes her fingers on his shoulder.
Her lipstick isperfectand blood red and she opens her lips to speak:
Add another montage.
So passed another Women Tell All special.
Host Chris introduces the special by telling us that this is a controversial season.
Did they forget they castan actual racist?
Host Chris introduces all the women and I guarantee they threw in bitches Ive never seen before.
There are also a few women who are ready to get a dramatic clip for their reel.
Caroline, Im looking at you.
The first issue to be dealt with is the issue of glam-shaming.
Back in my day, we werent glam-shamed.
We pulled ourselves up by our flat irons and didnt complain when our Sephora Beauty Insider points expired.
People who like to look glamorous arent a marginalized group, so you cant shame them.
In fact, people who like to look glamorous are probably given more benefits in society.
Basically, this is a pretty girl complaining that no one likes her because shes too pretty.
My fat ass does not have time for this drama.
Tia and Bekah M. have a moment to air out what happened between them on their three-on-one date.
Then Bekah fires back, You say I dont have relationship experience?
Well, Ive been in love and youve only been with assholes and I didnt come at you.
This group of women manages to be simultaneously mind-numbingly dull but also full of exquisite shade.
Just because you believe in the bitchy thing you did doesnt make it not bitchy.
Its time for Krystals turn in the hot seat.
There is blood gathering in the corners of her mouth to keep her smile stretched across her face.
Krystal called the Bachelor needle dick.
Ill let you figure out what that one is.
Krystal tries to say that everyones crime of mocking her is worse than calling any of them desperate.
The sun is getting real low, Krystal.
And then Bibiana asks the question we all are wondering at home: Did you see his dick?
Bitch, what do you think you were doing this entire time?
Krystal wraps up her segment by bringing up her homeless little brother and starts to cry.
Weaponized White Woman Tears.
Bottle it and spray it at the edge of your property to keep deer and other woodland creatures away.
Its Bekah M.s time in the hot seat.
Then we get to see Chris Harrison dohis best impression of Sarah Koenigand doSerialSeason 3: Marijuana Farm.
Her mom freaked out when she didnt hear from her for two weeks and called the police.
Its one of the trade-offs for perfect skin.
Tia gets time in the hot seat and its all a set-up for Aries entrance.
Wouldnt he want a sure thing?
Tia, men dont think like that.
Men dont like a sure thing.
Thats never been on the checklist for a wife.
Men like to think they wore a woman down and convinced her to fall in love with him.
Were having a spring wedding!
They have nothing in common.
Arie loves to be around an emotionally withholding blonde.
Then comes the most unsettling moment of the entire episode.
Caroline (WHO?)
decides to call Arie out for some yet-unaired indiscretion.
She tells him, Youre here trying to find a wife.
I know what you did.
Every single part of this is amazing.
I hope you find what youre looking for.Andthatsthe classy way to say, I hope you die alone.
Arie can only respond with, Thatll play out.
Just, Youll see.
This is your lede, ABC.
Dont bury the lede and dont let Caroline just throw it out there.
Its such a small moment, but it really does tell you everything you gotta know about Arie.
