The Bachelor
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Had I been struck by a flying clog immediately after watchinglast weeks season premiere?
Had I come down with basic-bitchface blindness?
There has to be a reason I couldnt remember a single ladytestant from last week.
I couldnt tell you how many Laurens were left.
Even the drama between Bibiana and Krystal seems to be motivated by Bibianas very real frustrations.
None of the exits are over-the-top or awful.
This is episode two!
Who was in charge of making sure someone had an insufferable catchphrase?
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Well, at least the episode starts with a majestic falcon.
Why couldnt someone bring a falcon?
That would have been fun.
Arie rides over to the mansion to pick up someone for a one-on-one date.
The ladytestants are so excited when he arrives that someone literally chirps.
Becca K. gets the first one-on-one date.
She hops onto his bike and rides off into the sun.
I dont really have commentary for that.
I think we all just need to acknowledge that was her first reaction.
Arie takes Becca K. to a secluded house in the California mountains.
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS DATE.
Was anyone else profoundly uncomfortable the entire time?
First, theres way too much seafood and its just been sitting out waiting for them to arrive.
That shellfish is room temperature.
Thats a lukewarm mussel.
Dont eat that seafood tower.
Then Arie tells Becca K. that the day is all about her.
Rachel Zoe comes out of a bedroom with a rolling rack of clothes.
So, thats all weird.
Then he keeps revealing more and more expensive gifts.
She gets all the dresses.
She gets a pair of Louboutins.
Its like Arie watchedPretty Womanand wanted to be Richard Gere.
Youre not supposed to want to be Richard Gere.
Youre supposed to want to be the plucky heroine, not the controlling lawyer.
He likes to lavish gifts on women and then praise them for how humble they are.
He literally tells her, I wouldnt want to sit across from somebody who had all these expectations.
Excuse me, sir?
Are you that rich?
That women have expectations of you?
The necklace and the bracelet have to go back into the briefcase.
He has the emotional range of one of those Macys faceless mannequins.
His final surprise is to shower them with confetti, after all the other surprises.
Its a bit of a letdown.
She gets the rose.
Up next, its time for Krystals one-on-one date.
I figured out that Krystal moves around the world with the wide-eyed tranquility of a Lifetime TV-movie heroine.
She even has a bun with way too many tendrils in her in-the-moment interview.
And Arie thinks hes Donovan Rutherford.
I think this metaphor has gotten away from me.
Krystal gets to go to Aries hometown: Scenic, historic Scottsdale, Arizona.
Do we have to pretend like Scottsdale or even Arizona is a sophisticated and cosmopolitan place to live?
Scottsdale is for people who think San Diego is tooethnic.
Scottsdale is what would happen if you madeMy Super Sweet 16into a town.
Never, ever trust anyone who says they had a good time in high school.
He shows her home videos, then takes her to meet his entire family.
This is not good.
His younger brother says he liked watching Arie set and meet goals.
Was Arie his older brother or his subordinate at State Farm?
So, thanks for being a great example of what a beautiful woman would be like, Krystal.
Theres something really shallow and sinister about that.
The show also really makes women feel bad for their parents divorcing.
Yknow, a thing they had nothing to do with?
Krystal gets a rose and refuses to answer any questions from the other ladytestants about her date.
Fifteen ladies get ready for the group date.
Imagine being the four bitches left off that group date card.
The women are heading to a demolition derby and this is the first group date I would go on.
Is this available for my 30th birthday?
As theyre getting ready to get into the cars, Annaliese reveals that she has bumper car trauma.
Imagine a life so soft that your most traumatic experience was bumper cars.
In recounting her trauma, she even sings that circus music.
Unless you were bought by P.T.
Barnum, youre not allowed to have circus music featured in your trauma.
Sienne wins the demolition derby and Arie forces her to drink milk.
Is Arie signaling the alt-right by pushing milk on Sienne?
Its time for the cocktail party.
Krystal is lounging around and waving her rose at the other ladytestants as they pass her by.
She doesnt have to worry.
She doesnt even know what worries are anymore.
Shes got a rose.
After her meltdown the night before, Bibiana is not HAVING IT.
Krystal goes to interrupt Bibiana after already getting time with him at the cocktail party.
Why doesnt anyone do that?
Bibiana also seems to approach this in a reasonable way.
If you removed light eyes, that could be the description of vintage built-in cabinets.
Then Krystal sits down next to Bibiana and acts like she couldnt possibly imagine why shes pissed.
Bibiana says shes not going to fall for Krystals fake baby voice.
Im also here for Bibiana.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
There are still so many whos in there.
Im sad about leaving my friends.
What a goddamn delight.
Then she says that shes never been dumped before.
Imagine being 25 years old and blonde.
What a life that must be.
