The Bachelor
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Mom, Dad, various gathered family members.
Im falling for him.
Im skeptical about this whole thing.
If you hurt my daughter, I will hunt you down.
Arie, what can you say to make me trust you?
A Formula One cars exhaust can melt aluminum.
Well, you have my blessing.
I trust my daughter.
Repeat four more times.
There was more chemistry and drama between Kendalls taxidermied rats than between Arie and any of his ladytestants.
The person hes shown the most passion for, in his words anyway, is an apparition.
The slightest suggestion of a person.
And Im gonna be honest with you: I was shocked when Tia was eliminated.
But I was wrong.
I cant believe that Arie has managed to outfox me.
Lets get to it.
Kendall has the first hometown date in Los Angeles.
Kendall is one of the rare ones to make it to hometown dates without a one-on-one date.
Kendalls fact is that shes quirky!
The first thing they do is go to a taxidermy room.
Kendall has prepared a craft station for them to taxidermy their own white rats.
Kendall also reveals that she got into taxidermy because she would findthingson her hikes and want to preserve them.
Then she makes her rat make out with Aries rat in front of a diorama of Paris.
Honestly, sometimes these things write themselves.
The main obstacle for Arie at Kendalls home will be her identical twin sister, Kylie.
I know its nota thingthat twins actually do, but I would have loved a little twin switch-a-roo action.
Aries nipples probably hardened under his shirt hearing that.
He also tells her sister that his chemistry with Kendall is amazing.
YOU DONT TELL THAT TO SOMEONES SISTER!
She also says that shes not ready to get engaged at the end of this.
Its better than Miranda eating an entire cookie cake, but I have my suspicions about this relationship.
Its time for Tias hometown date in Weiner, Arkansas.
Tia has set up a little activity for them!
Arie has no other qualities or interests!
After a few laps around the track, its time to meet the family.
Im about to overload on folksy wisdom from Tias family.
Tia enters her parents house and immediately bursts into tears.
Tias dad refuses to get Aries name right and keeps calling him Airy which is oh so perfect.
I cant with this bitch.
When it comes to Tia, shes a strong southern girl who puts him in his place.
Thats how you describe the lead in a country song, not a real-life person.
I want someone to shake their daughter and tell her, DONT DO THIS!
HES A BEIGE PASHMINA COME TO LIFE!
Even the act of giving a blessing for an engagement is performed by rote by each mom.
I trust my daughter.
Tia tells Arie that she loves him.
Shes not just falling for him, but shes in love with him.
Her fate is sealed.
Up next is Becca in Minnesota.
Beccas uncles will be putting up a modicum of a fight against Arie.
Believe it, Uncle Gary.
He carved every one of them.
So, he was the best.
She says he keeps blowing her mind and stealing little pieces of her heart.
Thats how you write a fucking country song.
AND THAT WENT WELL.
Finally, its time for Laurens hometown visit.
WHAT DOES HE SEE IN THIS GIRL?
And she has Arie seriously contemplating shackling himself to her?
And shes only 25?!
What am I missing?
This is also the only hometown visit that Arie is nervous for.
Laurens father fancies himself a positively intimidating military man and hes ready to scare the shit out of Arie.
But then Arie mentions that he did one goodwill tour in Iraq and her dad is totally won over.
He was trying to tell a cool story about flying a plane one time.
Arie says hes comforted by just looking at Lauren.
This is getting exhausting.
Lauren snaps back defensively, UH.
Laurens mom keeps going, ARE YOU SURE?
you could almost see the interrobangs.
Back in L.A., its time for the rose ceremony.
Dont you think you could have done this earlier?
The best thing Kendall says is, I dont know what you need from me.
What do you need from any of us, Arie?
Tia is insidefreaking the fuck outand saying that Kendall doesnt make sense.
Becca, Lauren, and Kendall all get roses.
Tia goes to hug Arie and her entire body bursts into tears.
She has become the tears.
She goes outside with Arie and she doesnt know what she did wrong.
Tia is tired of feeling like shes not good enough.
At the ripe of old age of 26, I can see how she could feel that way.
I wonder if that spinster will ever find anyone.
