The Bachelor
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Shes got Kelly Kapoors personality in Kelly LeBrocks body.
Never before have I seen someone who was so sure of their cleverness and been so completely wrong.
Other peoples emotions confuse and infuriate her.
Lets be real: Is there anything else worth discussing here other than Krystals manipulations and meltdowns?
Who am I kidding?
Im still going to talk about the bathrobe.
Were off to sexy Fort Lauderdale!
Its just like Miami, for moms!
Were about halfway through this journey and it feels like weve been here for months.
If you told me this was episode 12, Id believe you.
The first date of the week is Chelsea.
Arie shows up at the ladytestants hotel suite to pick her up.
They get on a yacht namedParadise.
Perhaps a nod to where shes going to end up instead of walking down the aisle with Arie?
She mentions all of the amenities on the yacht.
Are any of these women capable of talking like real people and not a tourism brochure?
While Chelsea is on her date, Maquel returns and shes still 23 years old.
Theyre not even trying to pretend that theyre eating on these dates anymore.
There is no kitchen in this warehouse.
None of this is up to code.
Chelseas sight is based on movement and that makes her different than all the other women.
You in trouble, girl.
After a performance from Tennis Arm, Chelsea gets a rose.
When they arrive, Arie is doing aThe Big Lebowskiparody.
Not a good look for Arie right about now.
Also, who is this for?
Which fans ofThe Big Lebowskiare they hoping to wrangle in with a Jesus reference?
Is this supposed to impress the women in their early 20s by referencing such a cool vintage movie?
The winners will get a cocktail party and the losers will go back to the hotel.
This will not stand.
This causes Krystal to lose her damn mind.
She cant believe that Arie would go back on his word like this.
All the other ladytestants are ready to go when Krystal emerges from her room in a bathrobe.
Every great diva has an iconic moment in a bathrobe and, by God, this is KrystalsDivas Live.
Everyone just wants this bitch to go home and thats a fantastic sign of a reality villain.
I hope someone told Krystal that Arie didnt know she was missing.
Arie heads down to Krystals hotel room to see her and comfort her.
Shes still in her bathrobe.
I hope she wears that thing to the rose ceremony.
Krystal tries to explain that Aries changing his mind is the biggest sin he could have committed.
Krystal is also making the classic villain mistake in thinking that the lead has to impress her.
Thats not how this works, dear.
Its never just bowling, Arie.
She leaves before Arie manages to see her.
Its not about him.
Lauren B. gets the group date rose.
Tia gets the second one-on-one date and they go on a country-themed date.
So far, Tias personality is from the South and has been frogging once.
They get on a fan boat and taunt some alligators.
They also hang out at some old Everglades mans house.
Again, this is a moment where my black ass would have been out of there.
They head to a nautical-themed antique store with no functional kitchen and have dinner.
Tia tells Arie that shes falling in love with him.
She gets the rose.
First example of White Lady Emotional Manipulation: Expect everyone to do your emotional labor.
She offers to take everyone aside one by one and explain herself.
Second example of WLEM: Isolate the people youre harming.
She ignores everyone elses pain by focusing on her pain.
Third example of WLEM: Center yourself in every conflict.
And she deflects any criticism by saying that she was hurt.
Fourth example of WLEM: Weaponize your emotions to silence critics.
Everything has been taken from me and Ive got nothing left.
Bekah, Seinne, Kendall, Becca K., Jacqueline, Jenna, and Krystal get roses.
Imagine being Maquel and returning just to get cut.
You could have told her not to come back after her grandfathers funeral.
She could be on vacation right now.
Krystal unhinges her jaw and eats her rose.
