The Bachelor
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Weve had back-to-back dates where the likelihood of getting a concussion is high.
Is that the only way producers can imagine that any of these women would be interested in Arie?
If they all had minor head trauma?
Lets keep track of everyones pupils and get into this episode!
Neither of these women are really about that life.
Well, there might be a chance for some action during the group date.
They arrive at a community center with a makeshift wrestling ring.
Krystal as a sexy baby!
Bekah as a sexy baby!
Everyone is a sexy baby!
Arie likes blonde Sexy Babies!
Host Chris introduces Arie as the Kissing Bandit!
He comes out in a suit and a mask.
They are really phoning in the fun with this nickname.
First, they didnt even get him aGLOW-inspired costume and westillhavent seen him with this shirt off.
This would have been the PERFECT opportunity to see if he has abs.
If I have to pretend that hes an interesting person, then I need to see some abs.
Some of the ladies throw themselves into the challenge and into each other.
More people in this franchise need to be reminded that theyre pathetic.
Bibiana acts stunned that Angela would say something so hurtful to her and it came out of nowhere.
Tia says she cant handle the bad vibes.
Shes been in L.A. too long.
Its time for everyone to get suited up and head into the ring.
Bekah is a sex kitten and Krystal is a sexy cougar.
Bibiana is a Bridezilla.
Read: They bought a bridal costume and a dino costume but lost half of each one.
The first match of the night is Arie versus …
KENNY KING!
Every ladytestant should just jump up and leave with Kenny.
Thats the life he deserves.
Also, if Kenny defeats Arie, is he the new Bachelor?
Kenny throws Arie around and Arie somehow wins.
Everyone has their matches and theyre all strangely sexual and not entertaining.
Marikh takes money out of Lauren B.s ass.
They go to an RV-themed bar for the cocktail portion of the date.
Krystal steals Arie away immediately and Bibiana is annoyed.
They assume that the show is fair and they deserve special consideration if it isnt.
Also, Ive realized that Krystal is basically Taylor Vaughn fromShes All Thatall grown-up.
Krystal has a weird whisper conversation with Arie about if she should be aggressive or relaxed.
The way she sexy-whispers everything makes any question feel like shes a cam girl.
Combined with Aries natural sleaziness, I cant fucking take it.
Im having full-body dry heaves.
Bekah gets the group date rose.
Everyone goes, Do you think it has anything to do with wine?
Arie takes Lauren S. to wine country to stroll around a vineyard hand in hand.
Is this what its like to be a white person on a date?
I, too, go to sleep to allow my bodys restorative processes to work.
They head into a barn to talk some more about the hypothalamus.
Lauren goes into a first-date conversation fugue state and starts telling the beginning of 14 different stories.
I can tell Arie is checked out because he actually starts eating on the date.
In the mansion, a PA slips into the door and takes Lauren S.s suitcase.
At least I hope he was a PA or Lauren S. just got robbed.
The date card says, Love can be ruff!
Can we stop with making these women put on insane costumes like theyre extras inThe Greatest Showman?
Thats not a good indication of their wifely virtues.
And are dogs … Aries thing?
I still cant tell any of these women apart.
Theyre all too blonde.
Chelsea says this date is symbolic of her own life, so she gets a rose.
Its time for the cocktail party.
Bibiana has set up a daybed and a telescope to show him what her Miami lifestyle would be like.
Unfortunately, she doesnt grab Arie quickly enough and he stumbles upon the daybed with some other blonde lady.
He makes out with her on the daybed.
Arie then keeps discovering the daybed with other ladytestants while Bibiana fumes inside.
She tries to get Aries attention, but he wont let himself be stolen away.
The human anxiety attack that is Annaliese has decided that if she doesnt kiss Arie, its over.
So she steals Arie away and takes him on a walking tour of the house.
Arie makes a face.
He literally makes a face and is like, … Annaliese eliminates herself and leaves the house.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
There are women getting roses who I dont think Ive seen say more than five words.
Who is Ashley?!
So that means just Bibiana is going home.
You could have had it all, Bibiana, and now Krystal has broken you.
