The Bachelor
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I will point at this episode ofThe Bachelor,because they have finally gone too far.
They stripped away every bit of dignity and grace from the show.
These ladytestants have been so debased that they deserve their own20/20special describing their plight.
This is the day Arie Luyendyk Jr. becameThe Bachelor.
WHAT!?!?
Whatever timeline were living in is the darkest one.
This is the darkest timeline.
Not a single one of them was like, Nah.
Im not pissing in a travel mug.
They all happily wandered into the woods, hid behind a tree, and pissed in a travel mug.
PEED IN A TRAVEL MUG.
What happened to those travel mugs?
Did they put them in a bin?
Was there a basket for when the joke was over?
BECAUSE THEY ALL WENT TO PEE IN A TRAVEL MUG.
Arie was happily holding hands with them and putting his arm around them.
They all got in a hot tub.
That hot tub was just a rolling boil of lightly piss-scented water.
But Ali, Ill put on the suit.
And THEN he made them eat bugs.
Everyone, Im all worked up.
The show is headed to (South) Lake Tahoe!
Arie says hes excited to hike and be outdoors because he loves to be outdoors.
The ladytestants head to a cabin and theres a lot of taxidermy so Kendall is pleased.
Everyone has already changed into their chunky sweaters.
How did they all have this many chunky sweaters ready?
Sienne gets the first one-on-one date.
Sienne, I love you, but youre too pure for this world.
She seems like cannon fodder.
Girl, you areclearlynot his key in.
He just sincerely decided that he should continue to date a 22-year-old.
I know you got the one-on-one date rose, Sienne, but bullet preemptively dodged.
On the bright side, Sienne does get a private concert with Lanco.
I cant tell if Lanco is the name of the band or the name of the man.
Is Lanco a collective noun for James Van Der Beek impressionists?
Then its time for the group date.
Its a survivalist-themed date.
The ladytestants meet with a pair of survivalist trail guides who are husband and wife.
One is a former Green Beret who has survived in, his words, gnarly terrains.
His wife reminds them that it might be romantic, but there are lots of black bears.
Then they hand out travel mugs and ask the women to pee in them.
Couldnt they hire some cute park ranger to walk them around?
Im sure some Eagle Scout wouldnt be trying to make them drink their own pee.
Is any of this serious?
I dont trust anyone whose first instinct in the wilderness is to drink their own piss.
My black ass would be heading back to the van.
At the cocktail portion of the group date, Krystalswhole thingcomes to a head.
Oh, she says thatin front of the other ladytestants.This bitch is BOLD.
you’ve got the option to actively see her trying to make herself cry.
Shes trying so hard.
She wants to make herself cry so bad but she cant.
Krystal finally pulls them aside to talk about how they hurt her feelings.
Tia and Caroline are OVER.
Krystal is an amazingly compellingBachelorvillain.
Shes absolutely convinced of her own importance, infallible ethics, and stunning beauty.
Her lil feelings are so hurt.
Someone sat across from her in a hot tub and made a face for a second.Je suisKrystal.
Tia takes Arie aside to remind him that shes not the crazy one, and she gets the rose.
Its finally time for Bekah and Aries one-on-one date.
Lets just talk about the big reveal.
She finally tells Arie how old she is and he freaks out for about 2.5 seconds.
He literally goes, Oh my God.
He keeps saying that he knew she was young, but not that young.
Which is a really gross thing for a man to keep repeating.
You could have said you didnt want any 22-year-olds on your season.
Someone could have set up whatever you wanted.
There were entire seasons with no black people.
Stop looking for me to give you the reassurance Im not going to give you.
That is the twenty-two-iest thing ever said.
She keeps asking, Maybe itll be worth it.
Thats something that makes some other 22-year-old get all emotional and horny.
Not something you tell a 36-year-old man.
Because whats the correct answer.
Everyone, lets say it together.
I never thought I was ready to settle down, but then I met someone like you.
Thats how you get a 36-year-olds dick hard.
After all his hand-wringing, Arie gives her the rose.
At one point on the group date, Kendall says Arie is a good guy.
Or is he just a white man who hasnt murdered anyone?
What has he done thats good?
Because hes really excited to date a 22-year-old.
It would be more honest if he just said hes really excited to bang a 22-year-old.
Because Bekah is probably going to go pretty far but not win.
Arie cancels the cocktail party because he knows what he wants to do.
And its eliminate the last woman in her 30s from the group.
He answers with the same tone as someone asking him, Do you wanna split this soft pretzel?
There are no more women older than 29 in the group.
This is what we deserve.
