The Bachelor
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Were my parents cursed by an old crone while my mother was pregnant with me?
Im tired of watching this dude.
Im tired of writing about this dude.
Im just plain tired.
Five hours of this dude evading emotions and creating wreckage behind him is too damn much!
What is left to say about a man who has inspired nothing?
Wipe him off the face of the Earth.hey,old crone.
Free usallfrom this hell.
What makes it all so incredibly difficult is Arie isnt sorry for what he did.
Hes sorry he got caught and has to pretend like he cares about the consequences.
Youre certainly entitled to your feelings, but youre responsible for your actions.
Youre not allowed to hurt other people because your feelings compel you to.
And if we tallied up all your actions here on Earth, youve had a negative impact.
This motherfucker is bad for the environment.
Who is just tuning in now, like, Im gonna see what this wholeBachelorthing is about?
This is someAtomic Brunetterealness.
Arie heads down to Virginia Beach to sit down with Lauren and ask if shell take him back.
Arie has a little bit of nervousness outside Laurens house, but charges in anyway.
No emotional response or social cue can stop this idiot.
Maybe your gut is trying to tell you something!
When Lauren answers the door, she grins and jumps into Aries arms.
Becca, go smash something.
Itll help, I promise.
Lauren and Arie sit down a little too close to each other for people who are just reconnecting.
You know who else feels that way, Arie?
She was always confident so she was a safe choice.
For someone to be completely one-thousand percent over a relationship in a matter of weeks is a bit much.
Arie also tells Lauren that hes been completely open with Becca about his struggles and his feelings for her.
Its really hard for me to be snarky because hes a dick.
He cant see anything past his own desires and who might give him what he wants in the moment.
Lauren forgives him because why not.
When he asks her if she wants to get back together, she says, Duh.
I hate these two human Panera franchises.
Its almost like they have a contract where they cant badmouth the decisions made by ABC.
The ladytestants also ensure to say that none of the blame is on Lauren.
But Arie didnt want that.
He wanted a sure thing.
And Ill be the one to say it.
The ladytestants struggle with wishing Lauren and Arie the best.
There should have been a Ron Howard voice-over saying, Thats not what Lauren was going to do.
Becca comes out and just as I predicted, she gets her standing ovation.
Her outfit choice also says a lot.
You could go the modest and virginal route.
That should be a felony.
Becca is touched by the outpouring of support and the fund of money being collected for her.
Damn, this country is wild.
Its time to bring Arie out.
Yikes, what a soulless creep.
Looking into his face is like looking into that weird seaweed hole inThe Last Jedi.
Arie keeps repeating the words guilt and shame as if to convince himself to feel them.
He knows hes going to get in trouble and he should appear contrite.
ALL OF THAT IS SHADY.
EVERY PART OF IT IS SHADY.
He kept hiding it and lying about it because his Dutch ass knew it was wrong.
And the way he talks about it isnt very sympathetic.
He says, I didnt want to face a huge risk unless I was certain.
I had to go through an intense breakup and then a proposal.
Theres nothing normal about that.
In the real world, no.
OnThe Bachelor,thats what you signed up to do, jackass.
You allowed me to reach out to her.
She gave you the okay to slide into Laurens DMs or call her and arrange for your new relationship?
The worst part is Arie says he regrets proposing.
I dont care who you are, thats gotta feel like a dagger in the heart.
He didnt say he regrets hurting Becca or lying to her.
He regrets the one and only thing that made her happy.
Becca forgives him and accepts his apology because the bar could not be lower for white men in suits.
Its time for Lauren to come out and meet Arie and this crowd doesnotwant to see her.
There are a few smatterings of polite applause, but was anyone rooting for Lauren?
She comes out and iswaytoo happy to be there.
Neither Arie nor Lauren seem to get that theyre not the heroes in this story.
As long as I have what I want, nothing else matters.
(They also claim to talk on the phone for three hours a day.About what?)
And I didnt cry for them either.
Finally, its time to introduce our next Bachelorette and who didnt see this one coming?
Shes got the Bachelorette origin story.
They trot out a few contesticles to tell Becca that shes strong and shes brave.
See you all in May!
