The Bachelorette
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
The Bachelorettewould like you to stare deep into Beccas eyes.
Arent they just a little sad?
Dont they contain the things that make you feel comfortable and safe?
What color are her eyes?
What color is the aroma of an apple pie cooling on Thanksgiving Day?
What color is the feeling of a fresh towel from the dryer being wrapped around your body?
Such is the passing of time.
This segment made me like Jojo!
Do you know how hard it is for me to enjoy Jojo?
Then Rachel delivers THE LINE OF THE EPISODE and I wish they hadnt bleeped it.
She says Were gonna sage your pussy.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Thats hilarious and amazing and I want it on a tote bag.
Etsy, get to work!
Can Rachel hostThe Bacheloretteinstead of escapedWestworldhost Chris Harrison?
It would reduce my snark by like 30 percent.
No pressure or anything.
Its time to meet the contesticles and their vague-ass jobs!
Theres Clay, a beautiful beige teddy bear who plays professional football!
Garrett from Reno who likes fun and does an extended impression of … Chris Farley?
Jordan is a male model whose brand is Pensive Gentleman.
Anyone who says my brand in conversation unironically is truly whats wrong with America.
Up next is Joe, the grocery-store owner from Chicago.
I think this is the most Chicago man that has never Chicagoed.
He sounded like Elwood Blues if he was born inside a deep-dish pizza.
I wouldnt be surprised if this guy was conceived to the 1985 Chicago Bears novelty song Super Bowl Shuffle.
I think Joe moonlights as Benny the Bull during basketball season.
Thus concludes the political portion of the entire season.
But the real interest when it comes to Jean Blanc is his occupation.
I bet youre asking What the fuck does that mean?
It means HE OWNS A LOT OF COLOGNE.
His occupation is what John-Ralphio fromParks and Recputs on his taxes.
The last Bachelor we get a little package on is Colton.
Hes a former football player who runs a nonprofit that helps people with cystic fibrosis.
So we cant make fun of him, I GUESS.
Its time for all the arrivals at the mansion.
The arrivals are pretty tame except for one chicken costume.
Its a little tough because Becca doesnt have athingexcept for crushing romantic disappointment.
What is her job?
Are there any puns about PR?
The entrances are mostly centered around, Hey, I know you want to get married.
No fucking duh, dudes.
Blake rides in on an ox because his feelings for her are as strong as an ox?
Where do they keep finding animals for this dude?
Where do you get a legit ox?
Once inside the house, its a pretty standard competition for Beccas affections.
But I call bullshit on him.
No, because he hates on someone wearing shoes without socks when they are CLEARLY velvet loafers.
Christon is a former Harlem Globetrotter who dunks over Becca.
The two main pieces of drama during the cocktail party are Jake-gate and Chase-gate.
Becca is immediately suspicious and asks him about why hes there.
First of all, he doesnt remember ever meeting her.
Second, hes a romantic fucking person.
The other piece of drama is Chase-gate.
How ON EARTH would being onThe Bacheloretterevitalize a marketing business?
So not only is Chase possibly a jerk, he also might be a terrible businessman.
Uh oh, one of you dudes isnt making it.
Who is going home?
Well find out at the Rose Ceremony!
The guys are pretty shaken up and Chris R. says that Chase might have dragged him into drama.
YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE TEXT.
TIS THEE WITH THE DRAMA.
Everyone is concerned about going home if a guy in a chicken suit stays.
Becca thanks all the guys because shes from the midwest.
Homegirl is trying to get some of that vibranium.
), Alex (WAIT, WHO IS ALEX?
), Nick, Trent (HOLD UP, A TRENT WAS THERE?
), Colton, David the Chicken, Jordan, Leo, and Mike all get roses.
The final rose has Chase and Chris R. sweating.
She gives it to Chris R. for some reason.
The post-credits scene is Jordan talking about Beccas pheromones and Im already over this idiot.
At least Whaboom had the decency to have a catchphrase.
