The Bachelorette
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There was one clue that Chris was doomed.
There was one sign that everything was falling apart.
Before he walked alone (with a camera crew) through the dark historic streets to Beccas hotel room.
Before he threw a fit at the cocktail party.
Before he pulled what we in the biz like to call A Rubio at the Becca-lection debate.
I saw his big-ass, wonky-ass pocket square.
Listen, Chris exhibited some entitled and mean behavior and well get to all of that.
But WHAT WAS HAPPENING with that pocket square?!
It looked like a spy who had to hide his parachute before walking into the Republican National Convention.
It was like a raccoon shoved a tablecloth from a Rallys or Checkers in his pocket.
He looked like a butler for the Denver Broncos.
His pocket square is bad.
Only a man with a tenuous grasp on reality would make his pocket square look like that.
Becca delivers a completely sincere and unscripted #ad for Richmond, Virginia.
So, history-wise, Richmond is a real mixed bag.
Becca is starting the week hopeful, ripping out pages of wedding magazines on the plane.
She sits down with host Chris and tells him that the darkness inside her is receding.
Before we can even get into the festivities of the week, Chris is setting himself up foranotherloser edit.
This is what we like to call dramatic irony.
The first date card of the week goes to Jason, Beccas last remaining business boy.
Chris takes Jasons date card and makes it all about him.
He says that he would evenprefera two-on-one because he can go against anyone.
This motherfucker is TIRING.
This is the nadir of manhood.
Two grown men on a dating reality show asking each other Are you crying, baby?
and calling each other fat.
Weve given them all the power in the world and this is what they have done.
Anger issues and stupid haircuts.
Jason straight-up leaves to get ready for his date.
Becca is taking him on a day full of surprises.
First, they go to St. Johns Church and talk about all the history!
Then they head to a weird unhappy hour where all of Richmonds Evanescence fans hang out.
Then Becca took Jason to a bar where his friends were waiting for them.
There wasnt really a theme to this date.
I think one of his friends was named Hawk?
Im sure he was just relieved to see someone who wasnt in a passive-aggressive argument.
Jason just looks like Joey Donner from10 Things I Hate About Youand shares none of the personality traits.
Jason can get it.
He gets the rose.
THAT MEANS LEO GETS THE ONE-ON-ONE DATE.
Im so excited for Leo.
How is he going to do his hair?
The group-date activity is a bad idea.
The freakin governor comes out to ask a question at the debate because he has nothing better to do?
Lincoln decides to use his time answering a question to throw shade on Chris.
Chris decides to handle the whole thing like an adult and diffuses the situation with humor and grace.
He says that he would love to go on a two-on-one with Lincoln because it would be easy.
He swearsinto a microphone in front of children.
Blake jumps into the fray to take a stab at calm everything down.
Chris keeps asking, How many times do I have to defend myself?
I mean, the answer is none, my guy.
Just keep your goddamned mouth shut.
ItsThe Bachelorette,not a court of law.
Becca takes Chris aside to give him his producer-mandated time.
His response is, Is this a joke?
This is 100% serious?
Only good guys respond to allegations of verbal abuse with Is this a joke?
Becca is clearly upset and Chris is laughing.
Garrett tries to pull Becca aside and shes so shaken, she needs a few minutes.
Ruin your life all you want, Drama fromEntourage, but quit fucking with the rest of us!
I appreciate the emotional vulnerability, but the intensity could be turned down just a notch.
Chris keeps talking about how its not fair.
Who told white men with terrible facial hair that their lives got to be fair?
Hes competing with Connor inthose glasses, for Christs sake.
Wills tells Becca that hes falling in love with her, and Colton gets the group-date rose.
Just bang him already, Becca.
Its time for Leos one-on-one date.
Leo wears his hair in a cute lil bun that shows off his jawline.
He harvests an oyster right out of the bay.
Thats how low the bar is: a man endorsing female autonomy.
He gets the one-on-one rose.
Lincoln eats 12 eggs a day and THIS WILL NOT STAND.
He makes the long walk to Beccas hotel and just walks inside once she opens the door.
Becca asks him, What are you doing here?
If a womans first reaction to your sudden appearance is What are you doing here, you done goofed.
Becca tells him, There are too many red flags.
I dont think we can get there, and Chris says, What are you trying to say?
When Becca tells him its over, he becomes that screaming internally GIF.
He tries to regain some of his dignity by refusing to let Becca walk him out.
Dont let the door hit you, human equivalent of a Bud Light Platinum.
Becca knows exactly what she wants to do, so the cocktail party is canceled.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
Garrett, Blake, and Wills all get roses.
Connor says good-bye and Lincoln doesnt get a good-bye package.
Next week, were off to the Bahamas!
Finally, a truly luxurious vacation!
