The Bachelorette
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For a moment there, Becca seemed to be out of the darkness.
Hasnt this woman been through enough?
Havent we put her through enough punishment?
For Christs sake, ABC.
Hasnt Becca given you enough blood?
She had to be engaged to Arie.
Apparently, you soulless monsters want to watch her suffer just a little bit more.
Its time for the hometown dates and up first is Garretts date.
Becca loves to run and jump into her mans arms.
We get it, Becca.
Becca can hardly keep her smile off her face when shes with Garrett.
If the show wants us to accept that Garrett is a … oh whats the word?
I know its notThe Bachelorettesthing but they could make it their thing.
Theres gotta be some footage somewhere of Becca asking Garrett who he voted for and talking about it.
Unless that just doesnt matter if youre two white people with strong chins.
(Also, it hit me during this episode and now I cant unsee it.
Garrett looks and talks like Brendan Fraser as the dumb basketball player inBedazzled.)
After riding around on a tractor and planting a rose bush, they head to Garretts familys house.
Everyone is nervous because Garrett hasnt brought anyone home since that HARPY left him.
Garretts sister takes him aside and immediately bursts into tears.
Garretts family is impressed with Becca and they give her the stamp of approval.
The next hometown date is Jasons!
Hes way too excited about Buffalo!
I dont think anyone has any preconceived notions about Buffalo!
America doesnt think that much about Buffalo!
Buffalo: The Jennifer Garner of cities but like Jennifer Garner now!
At this point in the episode, Ive heard the word Buffalo repeated so much its lost all meaning.
Is this …a thing?
I do not understand white culture.
He says hes tired of being the fifth wheel to his parents and his brother and his brothers husband.
Jason doesnt really have a tragic backstory so there wasnt much there except his brothers AMAZING head of hair.
Jason, you could be serving Timothee Chalamet eleganza with your familys genetics.
Jason says that hes wildly in love with Becca and he can say that with the utmost confidence.
Now its time for Blakes hometown visit.
I dont even know what to say about this hometown date.
My emotions were veering wildly.
I mean OH MY GOD?
Lord Jesus, protect Blake.
I was just excited it wasnt a vaguely famous country singer but a vaguely famous electropop singer.
They head to his house and it seems like both of his parents are there with their new spouses.
I needed an explainer of who was with who.
His mom talks about how difficult his breakup was.
Blake and Becca are hopeful, and he tells her that he loves her one more time.
Finally, its time for Coltons hometown date.
Colton even says that Becca has that motherly feel which is also how the clothes at Talbots are described.
Becca is taken to meet 18 people and Colton tells his little cousin that Becca is his girlfriend.
Becca and Colton spend the entire home visit reminding Coltons parents that hes a virgin.
When she leaves, he tells her hes in love with her.
Your window of opportunity has expired.
You had your chance at the weird makeshift spa.
you’re free to do thatSimpsonsgag and pause on the exact moment her heart rips in half.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
Thats like the whole point of it.
Youre not long for this world.
Becca gives her roses to Jason, Blake, and Garrett.
Its not her fault!
His dad made her do it!
