The Bachelorette
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Ive been searching my brain for the answer and reading all the context clues.
I cannot crack this mystery.
What is Beccas … um …personality?
Dont say Minnesota because thats not a personality.
What else is there?
Thatsdefinitelynot a personality trait.
Were just listing things from her life.
Like what is this womans job?
What are her hobbies?
This isnt a dig on Becca.
Shes entertaining to watch, but I just dont know how to describe her.
I think Im straight-up loving her season and loving Becca, but who is she?
Shes a mystery wrapped in blue-gray sequins.
The show wants to define her personality as jilted.
The first group date of the season is here!
Lets never stop reminding the guys that Becca was once engaged and is currently 100 percent ready for marriage.
She has no other ambitions or expectations other than to be a wife and a mother.
WHICH IS FINE but I wish I knew literally one other thing about her.
Becca forces the contesticles to change into tuxedos in front of her.
And because Becca is from the midwest, shes faux-scandalized by a few pectorals.
It would be less humiliating than the marriage-themed obstacle course.
Speaking of that obstacle course, why was every fucking event named in the most depressing way possible?
One section is the Ball & Chain.
Another is Cold Feet.
The bright spot for this segment is RACHEL AND BRYAN ARE BACK!
Fucking filthy Rachel is the best Rachel.
Get her a dating round-table discussion show on Viceland.
Thats what we all want.
Then all hell breaks loose.
This drives Connor, just some white guy with Jordan Rogers hair, in-fucking-sane.
He cannot and WILL NOT stand for another man to be excited in his presence.
HOW DARE Lincoln feel joy and be proud of his accomplishments.
In this moment, Lincoln is a less talented Serena Williams and Connor is just like … white people?
Its a very loose metaphor and Im still workshopping it.
Connor takes Lincolns framed photo of him and Becca and throws it over a balcony.
Someone in the editing room added glass breaking sound effects even though the frame landed in water.
Lincoln cries to Becca about his picture being taken away and Im on Lincolns side here.
Bruh, you made it play out that way.
All of this drama causes Becca to get frustrated and she gives Jean-Ralphio Blanc the group date rose.
I can only imagine he was wearing a soothing lavender fragrance and it calmed her down.
Up next is Blakes one-on-one date.
Blake looks like Andy Samberg if Andy Samberg were a Kennedy.
They are given sledgehammers and they go inside to meet … LIL JON.
I think his name legally has to be written in caps lock.
You might ask Ali, what does LIL JON have to do with anything?
and the answer is SHUT UP AND LET LIL JON WORK.
I need a gif of Becca smashing a Champagne bottle in slow motion.
My boyfriend also gave me the teddy bear he had as a 1-year-old.
I threw that bullshit in the trash.
So, I know for a FACT that this must have felt amazing for Becca.
Also, she belted her jumpsuit.
Im learning about Becca.
Shes a woman who values her silhouette.
I also admired how gleeful Blake was watching Becca smash reminders of her past relationship.
He was laughing and smiling at the sight of Becca tapping into the bitterness that lives deep inside her.
Blake gets a rose.
and they are ACTING.
One of them screams TRAAAAAASH as they pelt the contesticles with 70 mph dodgeballs.
After some drills, its time for the dodgeball tournament.
But she doesnt send him home right then (or at the rose ceremony).
Wills gets the group date rose.
Maybe if we all ignore him, hell just fucking GO AWAY.
He doesnt even have the decency to have a fun catchphrase.
Time for the rose ceremony.
