the bachelorette
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We are walking into truly the darkest of days.
We are watching our institutions crumble.
The people we thought we could rely on are asleep at the wheel.
A raccoon was trapped on a building in Saint Paul, Minnesota, for 24 hours.
It takes everything to not be fatalistic about the state of the world and politics.
We have a sexual offender who is lagging Christopher Columbus when it comes to planetary science.
What else do we have?
This seasons front-runner is a bigot.
Fine, we dont know if Garrett is a bigot.
He just finds bigotry interesting enough to like on Instagram.
Plus, David fell off his bunk bed in the middle of the night and broke his entire face.
I feel like were moving past that as a people and we have to remember to fight every battle.
And weve got a rose ceremony to get to!
David arrives back at the mansion and theyve unblurred his face and the floor kicked his ass.
Chris calls David a fighter and says he wouldnt wish what David endured on anyone.
Jordan says that David looks like a Picasso with the clock over here and the beach over here.
Okay, I see what happened here.
Jordan has very confidently mixed up Picasso and Dali.
In a strange way, he made the right reference.
Becca gives him gold short shorts and these things become Chekhovs underpants.
Its only a matter of time before Jordan starts prancing around in them.
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Becca gives David Clays rose so he can go lie down per the doctors orders.
Everyone else files in for the rose ceremony.
This is where they begin Jean Blanc Ralphios loser edit and my God is it a powerful edit.
This entire episode should be shown in ninth-grade literature classes as an example of dramatic irony.
The audience knows somethingthe characters dont.
Jean Blanc Ralphio gets the last rose and it sends him into a shame spiral.
Mike goes home and they dont even give him a good-bye video clip.
Good-bye man-bun, we hardly knew ye.
Its time to head to Park City, Utah!
The first date of the week is with Garrett.
Becca does that whole jump onto him like a howler monkey thing and shes smitten.
I hardly want to give him the page space.
Its just watching two people who like each other giggle and smile.
Its not exactly riveting.
They go bobsledding and he gets the date rose.
There is also a not-so-subtle uplifting theme this episode of winter sport athletes finding love and victory together.
I was all-in on those bobsled experts who married each other.
I would like some kind ofQueer Eye sports spinoff starring these two.
Do I know who theyre making over?
Do I know how theyre making people over?
Am I going to watch every episode and cry?
While Garrett and Becca are on their date, Lincoln reveals that he thinks the Earth is flat.
He says he just needs more proof.
WHAT KIND OF PROOF ARE YOU PREPARED TO ACCEPT?
Do your want your ass floated out to space to see the world?
Does he want Jordans God to come down and whisper in his ear Its round, bitch?
He keeps saying the word friction like its going to convince everyone that the Earth is flat.
Heres what happens with all these flat-Earther dum-dums.
They think that theyre smarter than everyone else.
Its time for the next date card to arrive.
I, much like Becca, can appreciate some objectifying displays of traditional masculinity.
Thats just a lot of words to say LEOS ASS IN THEM JEANS.
Mild-mannered John finds his inner Brawny man and dominates the 30-foot pole-climbing competition in the relay race.
Can he tell if shes laughing at him or with him because, bitch, I cannot.
Im not exactly a Jordan fan but its clear hes harmless.
Jordans just drunk on sea salt spray.
Coltons strategy wont work.
You dont tell the crazy guy on the bus that youre disappointed in him.
Hes just going to tell you that the profesionality of his intellectualitude is superior to yours.
You cant argue with that shit.
Now is time for Jean Blanc Ralphio to self-destruct.
He goes in for a kiss from Becca and she isnt feeling it.
He gets interrupted and wont take no answer for an answer.
He sits back down with Becca again and tells her that hes falling in love with her.
I even had to remind myself because I feel like weve been living this hell forever.
Becca rightfully freaks out because shes just not feeling it.
On the way out, Jean asks about the perfume.
Becca asks if he wants it back.
This just shows again how shitty the guys Becca is used to.
He thought she just wanted to hear it so he said it.
Yknow … like an insincere person.
She cancels the rest of the night and sends everyone back to their bunks.
Everyone is scared shitless because Beccas rage isnt simmering under the surface anymore.
Her eyes are glowing white hot and she demands an emotional sacrifice.
They head to the mountains to ride snowmobiles and Wills supplicates himself in front of Becca.
That night, Becca has cancelled the cocktail party because she is FUCKING OVER IT.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
