The Bachelorette
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Donald Trump stepping out of the limo … That this time will be the night he meets his person.
The person who completes him.
The one dictator who takes him seriously and will treat him with respect.
Kim Jong-un waited in front of a picturesque tableau.
Is this going to be when Kim breaks down his walls and is finally vulnerable?
Its not easy to open up again, but maybe Kim is willing to try.
Relationships are starting to form and feelings are developing.
What a special night.
All right fine, lets get to the episode.
When the episode begins, its raining at the mansion.
David and Jordan are still feuding and its making me like David a whole lot less.
No one expects you to be the moral compass of the house when you arrived in a chicken suit.
Were getting right to it and its time for the first date card of the week.
But its not like a regular spa.
Its a spa laden with the emotional weight of Coltons failed relationship with Tia.
Most of the date is pretty standard GUYS IN THE SPA?!?
DO THEY EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS!
While Becca is introducing the guys to her friends, she completely forgets Jasons name.
Theres no reason for all of these dramatics, and Tia looks increasingly uncomfortable with talking about it.
They both are acting like they survived a national tragedy to be together.
Like their love required, say … an international summit?
This is notLove Story.Love means never having to say I dated your friend.
While Becca and Colton are scaling mountains to be together, David and Jordan are being petty idiots.
Its revealed that Jordan got a congratulations email from Tinder on reaching 4,000 matches.
He does brag that hes at a 100 percent match rate.
What does David do?
Does he stay the fuck out of it and let the person he hates construct their own demise?
I mean, Jordan says things like professionality.
Jordan tells her that hes a golden retriever.
Colton gets the group-date rose.
Its time for the one-on-one date!
Chris R. heads to the Capitol Records building.
She asks him, Do you know what this building is?
and he says, No.
Not only is it a widely recognized landmark, it says what it is at the top, Chris.
Becca lists all of the historic performers who have recorded there: Katy Perry, Halsey, Sam Smith.
Richard Marx is there to help Chris and Becca write a love song to each other.
He manages to pull himself off of the floor to write down a few generic lines about Becca.
Back at the house, someone is being rolled out on a stretcher.
Everyone is rattled to their core, and Jordan seems oddly calm for all the commotion.
Who could it be?
David fell out of his bunk bed like a goddamned 8-year-old.
Did the filmInceptionlie to us?
I hope his token wasnt his fucking face because he fell ON HIS FACE and cracked it open.
Hes taken to the hospital.
Gravity did, Becca.
At this point, Im pretty sure Beccas sexual orientation is The Rose Bowl.
Lincoln keeps refusing to do the drills at 100 percent and everyone takes this as a lack of character.
Everyone needs to lay off Lincoln.
Football to him is different than our football!
They are all secretly glad that hes not there, so they can get their time with Becca.
Garrett and Blake are both sure that theyre going to get the group-date rose.
Clay returns triumphantly and gets the group-date rose.
I desperately love him.
You are a pro-football player.
I BELIEVE DEEP IN MY HEART that you will find a basic woman who wants to date you.
TO BE CONTINUED …
