The Bachelor Winter Games
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All rise for the singing of the Bachelor Winter Games National Anthem:
O!
The people ofThe Bachelorhave finally cracked it.The Bachelor Winter Gamesis theRuPauls Drag Raceseason two of dating shows.
Thats a very specific dream, but now youve got it.
Were going to see this international gang of ladytestants and contesticles eat through each other to find love.
We get a few intro packages from American favorites.
Up first is Oatmeal.
Hes the model of rugged American masculinity if you turned the lights out behind its eyes.
Clare is back again for yet another chance at love.
No one cares thatWinter Gamesdidnt exist when you said you retired.
This is a fake show and your retirement means nothing.
We all know you need that Sugar Bear Hair gummy money.
Before we can get to all the fun and games, its time for a parade!
Who doesnt love a parade with a production value of about $87.50?
The Japanese delegation is Yuki!
Yuki came in fifth onThe Bachelor Japanand she does not speak any English.
Shes my favorite to win.
I love her and her marabou-covered shoes.
Canada sent two men in their delegation: Kevin and Benoit.
Shes dressed like someone who would be featured on a street-style post about Beijing Fashion Week.
Way to exoticize the contestants from around the globe!
The U.K. sent Laura, who is known for flipping off the Bachelor.
Australia sent two competitors.
Tiffany is famous for developing a relationship with one of the other ladytestants on her season.
Do I love you now?
No, and the Bachelorette just says, I think its time for you to go.
Theres a random Vermont high-schooler dressed as a Viking and Santa to introduce the teams from Finland and Sweden.
Let me tell yall right now.
Its hard enough for me to tell all these five-foot-eight white women apart when theyre American.
They couldnt wrangle up a scrappy Swedish girl detective-jot down with an undercut for this?
You know, the traditional Maori dance and war chant?
One of the warriors had a hand grenade tattoo on his chest.
Our final international delegation comes from Germany and Switzerland.
Christian was on two different countries version ofThe Bachelor, so in my mind, hes Europes Nick Viall.
After all the countries have marched in, were treated to the performance of theWinter Gamesnational anthem.
Even a high-school teacher knows this franchise has a tenuous grasp on their place in the reality TV landscape.
Trista and Ryan jog in carrying a lantern from Pier One to light the eternal flame of global love.
The Games have begun!
Josiah pulls that classic hitting on a white girl move and compliments her butt.
He actually uses the word badonkadonk in the Year of Our Beyonce 2018.
Hes hitting it off with Ally and they end up making out on the couch.
She says they had a real cheeky little snog.
There are already a few couples forming: Dean and Leslie, Bibiana and Kevin, Josiah and Ally.
The first event of the season is the biathlon.
Theyll have to cross-country ski and then shoot a giant rose-shaped target.
The actual sports of the thing arent particularly interesting.
Shes convinced that Kevinhasto give her the date card because she looked at him.
Is everyone else as emotionally exhausted by Ashley I. as I am?
Shes screaming and crying and laughing.
It feels like shes playing Harley Quinn in a high-school production ofSuicide Squad.
Kevin takes Bibiana on the date and Rebecca asks Luke.
We get about one minute of footage about the date, so who cares?
And once its obvious that the dates essentially dont matter, this all becomes a nihilist exercise.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
Host Chris lays down the twist and everyone flips the fuck out.
And starts targeting Josiah.
I dont even need to say it.
Everyone gets to vote and Host Chris tallies the votes.
Three women and two men will be eliminated.
Clare plays Christian and Benoit and Oatmeal and Josiah campaign to remain on the show.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
Luke, Dean, Oatmeal, Courtney, Christian, Benoit, Michael, and Josiah all get roses.
Zoe leaves and she floats out in a cloud of oversize casual pinstripe.
DID ANYONE SAY HER NAME?
DID SHE PASS THE BECHDEL TEST?
Eric goes home because we dont deserve him.
And so does Jamey?
Ill see everyone … ON THURSDAY?!
THIS IS TWICE A WEEK?
Bachelor, Sweet Bachelor!
