The Bachelor Winter Games
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Why stress about getting a date card whentheres a Jacuzzi at the house?
Why even have dates anymore?
They need to give me something because its all going a little too easily.
Everything is sailing along smoothly.
Every time someone sits down and has a conversation with another person, theyre falling in love!
At the beginning of the episode, Clare is really thrilled about being the center of a love triangle.
Its time for the first event.
The whole gang is going speed skating.
By speed skating, they mean regular skating but in a circle.
In a fun twist, the losers from each heat are racing each other!
What a fun twist no one asked for!
I know all you ladies got your ombre re-ombred, but you couldnt head to the rink once?
Stassi and Dean win the date cards.
Also, I feel like Luke has gottenlessSouthernsince his time on JoJos season.
Hes posing like hes a Bond villain whos about to unleash the swinging swords.
He says he was late because of avisa issue, which is exactly something a Bond villain would say.
His name is Jordan and everyone flips the fuck out.
He was the second New Zealand Bachelor and hes an asshole.
(Well, according to New Zealand rumors, hes an asshole.)
On his season, he wasnt feeling either ladytestant so he just flipped a coin to decide.
I dont care what you think thats amazing.
Hes my new favorite Bachelor.
Bye, None of the Bachelors Because All of the Bachelors Are Actively Garbage.
Make room for Jordan!
They all start gossiping and whispering about all the terrible things Jordan did on his season.
I heard he punched New Zealands Chris Harrison in the face!
I heard he eliminated everyone taller than he was!
I heard he gave a rose to a New Zealand fur seal that wasnt even one of the contestants!
Oatmeal has had ENOUGH of all the speculation and he calls Jordan into the kitchen to flush the air.
Oatmeal is like the mayor of the house.
Hes taking it upon himself to solve the conflicts and act as the houses moral center.
They keep pushing him as our window character and Im not here for it.
Stassi picks Luke for her date and Dean picks Lesley for his date.
Meanwhile, Kevin and Ashley I. are actually hitting it off.
Thats how we know this is the darkest timeline: Ashley I.s feelings are being reciprocated.
Were in someCloverfield Paradoxshit and the Earth has disappeared.
Meanwhile, Ashley I. is picking out a china pattern because Kevin was nice to her for eight seconds.
You want to know what theyre trying to pass off as thrilling entertainment on this show?
Watching a German man wait.
What kind of a Dadaist exercise is this?
First of all, thats a bit much for someone you met three days ago.
Hes like a cartoon character from the 1960s that goes on little adventures in your favorite books.
Benoit tells Clare that she kissed him and that means something.
Then she says it was just a friendly kiss.
For someone who is really excited to have two men chasing her, Clare is really screwing this up.
Theres no such thing as a friendly kiss.
We all know that.
Quit messing around, Clare.
When its time for Benoit to go, he says, She didnt felt it.
He hugs Clare and because his face is nestled in her shoulder, they have to subtitle it.
And it says …
Eees okay.
There is no such thing as racism against white people.
There just isnt, so stop trying to argue that with me on Twitter.But this is damn close.
I had to rewind it three times just to ensure I saw what I saw.
Whose editorial decision was this?
Would they have done the same thing if this was someone who was Latino?
What if ABC took some liberties in doing the subtitles for Yuki?
Again, this wasntracistper se.
It was a choice.
Her flaking on him hurt, but he just wants to get to know her better.
He just says, In Germany, when we make a Jacuzzi appointment, we keep the Jacuzzi appointment.
Ah yes, that old German proverb.
Clare realizes that shes screwing this whole thing up, but its time for the cocktail party.
Also, apparently theres some guy named Michael G. here?
How does she communicate that information?
Did you guess not at all?
Its time for the rose ceremony.
Courtney gives Lily a rose.
Luke gives Stassi a rose.
Jordan gives his to Bibiana.
Josiah gives his to Ally.
Dean and Lesley stay together.
Michael G. gives his rose to Tiffany, who made a Hail Mary for Kevin.
Christian gives his rose to Clare because of course.
Two Scandinavian chicks go home and I couldnt even tell you who they were.
I wanna say … Jenny?
That doesnt sound right.
See you next week!
