The Bachelor Winter Games
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The Bachelor Winter Gamesis a success?
There is one big failure ofThe Bacheloruniverse and quite frankly, our society.
But lets get into the final episode ofWinter Games.
Does anyone know what or how they win?
Everyone is excited to win, but what does that mean?
Theres one more challenge and its couples ice dancing.
Chris Harrison delivers the final challenge and Ashley stands up and demands a fantasy suite.
But why even have fantasy suites?
Youre in a house alone all day.
The whole place is a fantasy suite.
Each couple heads to rehearsal for their ice-dancing routine.
Courtney and Lily ask if they can include a kangaroo hop on the ice.
I think weve all been sleeping on Courtney and Lily.
They are playful, they dont take themselves too seriously, and they both have cute-as-hell accents.
If this competition were up to me, this competition wouldnt exist.
But if it had to exist, Courtney and Lily would be the ones to beat.
After the rehearsals, Jordan and Bibiana stumble into an incredibly difficult conversation.
Jordan wants to ask Bibiana what their future together is going to look like.
Bibiana immediately bursts into tears and tells him that she cant give him an answer.
She feels really bad, but no one is talking about the fact that he lives in New Zealand.
I break out in hives when I have to even think about moving across town.
Bibiana starts packing her suitcase out of anxiety and stands alone in a room with snowshoes on the wall.
They practice on the ice with Nancy Kerrigan, Tai Babilonia, and Randy Gardner.
We all could be watching actual figure skating, but I guess this is fine.
Chris Harrison surprises them all with a fantasy suite card!
These fantasy suites dont really feel consequential when everyone has been sharing one big house.
Ill take my check now, ABC.
Honestly, I dont want her to lose her virginity in aBachelorfantasy suite because that means weve failed women.
Thats just the darkest timeline for a womans sexual awakening.
Besides, they can just go down on each other a bunch.
Its time for the competition.
Everyone has been given My Size Barbies ice-skating outfits to put on to prepare for their big performance.
Lesley puts a smoky eye on Dean and theyre ready to rock.
They bring that lil girl and her high-ass voice to sing that damn song again.
Then its time for the skating.
Thats something this whole franchise desperately needs.
Stassi is very bendy and the kangaroo hop is adorable.
Ashley and Kevin pull off an impressive lift even though Kevins knee got fucked up.
They both say that they adore each other and they just werent on the same page.
Its a pretty amicable break-up forThe Bachelorfranchise and I just want Bibiana to be happy.
She says she didnt find a boy, but she found a new best friend, Oatmeal!
In response, Oatmeal delivers a stirring speech about Yuki in a language that she doesnt entirely understand.
(Thats not a dig the girl dont speak fluent English.)
Courtney and Lily are still together and theyve settled in L.A. after a cross-country road trip.
He presents her with his house key in a Neil Lane box.
Stassi gets some time alone in the hot seat and says that everything changed once the season ended.
Luke didnt even have her phone number.
When Luke comes out, Stassi shakes his hand and says, Stassi.
Nice to meet you.
WHERE WAS STASSI THE SHADY QUEEN ALL SEASON?
Stassi says, Was I unconscious for these conversations?
Luke gives her useless platitudes that would fit in in a Country Music Television made-for-TV movie.
Sure, while not even making eye contact.
Can we just cancel this motherfucker already?
ABC knew well enough not to make him the Bachelor.
Stop subjecting women to this idiot.
Now its time for the winners ofWinter Games!
I continue to be just as stunned as all of you.
Chris Harrison tells Ashley, A lot has been made of your virginity.
She wont shut the fuck up about it butnoooooowwwwww,her sex life is private?
Your sex life could have been private this whole time.
Finally, the postWinter Gamesromance youve all been waiting for.
Clare gets in the hot seat and says that there was a man who just kept fighting for her?
Who the hell are these men fighting?
Are there feudal lords in Sacramento?
You expect these real-estate agents and software salesmen to protect you?
Benoit comes up to the stage to claim his woman.
Can we stop with this as a romantic notion?
That men should bewearing women down.
Clare also says that Benoit puts up with her crazy.
Is this annoying-white-romance-tropes bingo?
Is someone trying to kill the feminist inside me?
Benoit gets down on a knee and pops open that Neil Lane box and proposes.
To a lasting, healthy marriage!
