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Oh, am I causing a scene?
Is this too much?
Maybe youre fine with the absolute bare minimum of quality when it comes to your wardrobe.
Maybe not looking like a total pile of dogshit isnt a priority for you.
Whats the big fucking deal?
First of all, the goddamn armholes on anything less than a bespoke jacket are obscenely low.
Every time I raise my fucking arms I look like a fucking flying squirrel.
Not to mention the unsightly bunching about the neck and shoulders.
Its some serious low-rent bullshit, my friend.
Did you hear what I just said?
Grown-ass motherfuckers are walking around with fake fucking buttons.
This sewn-up little faux slit or whatever the fuck it is?
Are you fucking shitting me right now, dude?
How the fuck am I supposed to get a goddamn boutonniere in that?
Dont even talk to me about watch fobs.
That shits out of the question.
Pretend youre a gentleman for five fucking seconds, would you?
You think this is the first time Ive had to have this conversation?
Perhaps I can interest you in a less costly, off-the-rack blazer?
No, sir, you most certainly cannot interest me in an off-the-rack blazer.
Perhaps I can interest you in fucking off?
So go get your fucking measuring tape.
Go get your little pincushion.
Make some fucking calls or whatever the fuck you should probably do to make this happen.
Because it WILL happen.
I simply prefer it.
Coleman Larkin can be found onMcSweeneysand onTwitter.
