Nashville
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Lets start with a mental-health check: You guys hanging in there?
We all just saw Deacon engaging in pillow talk with Jessie and I want to confirm everyone is okay.
Deep, cleansing breaths, people.
As a chapeaued dog in a burning room once said, This is FINE.
Look, Ive said it before and Ill say it again:Nashvillewas in a bind with Deacon.
When God gives you a romantic leading man, you must provide said leading man with romance.
But enough about that.
Its actually not Deacon, but Jessies ex, Brad, who looms large over this episode.
As shes auditioning, Brad slithers in.
You know who that is, dont you?
Also, isnt Daphne a bit young for this competition?
Its notNashvilles Next Underage Country Star.
(Uh oh, I hope I didnt just give some enterprising CMT exec an idea.)
I love when they show what a good kid she really is.
But eventually, he comes around.
Sometimes you have to let your kids forge their own path, even if that path is complete crap.
Needless to say, of the hundreds who auditioned, Daphne is one of three to make the show.
Meanwhile, somewhere off camera, Brad is undoubtedly mouthing the actual words, Mwah ha ha …
But that rascally Brad is not done yet.
His new evil plot is to send Jake to boarding school.
So maybe he can?
(Season five is a blur at this point.)
(His actual words: [Did you] stop by for a little sky rockets in flight?
Dude, gross.)
Then he tries to yank Jake off the bed, as Jessie screams for him to stop.
Did you just assault me?
Brad says, with a malicious grin.
Brad is the human embodiment of a mug that reads: Worlds Worst Person.
Back on the ranch literally Scarlett has what Im calling her Aaron Sorkin Moment of the Week.
In this case, Scarlett takes Sean to The Bluebird, despite Ranch Lady telling her not to.
(The thing is, Ranch Lady is right.
Scarlett is not a therapist and probably has no business testing Seans emotional boundaries.)
Indeed, Sean gets a little shell-shocked and has to bolt.
The next day, Ranch Lady is mad at Scarlett because Sean was pretty freaked out by the outing.
But then Sean sends Scarlett a text: He wants to show her something.
Hes sitting in his big empty music-video barn again.
And he plays a song for her.
Scarlett tells Sean he needs to share his talent with the world.
I dont think I can do that, Sean says.
Baby, I dont think you have a choice, she replies.
I have learned a valuable lesson and I shall never do it again.
Somewhere, Aaron Sorkin is getting misty.
wanting Alannah to sing lead vocals on both songs.
He gets all rage-y and says he doesnt want to be a charity case.
Also, he keeps having dizzy spells and has a low-grade fever.
Then he makes the rookie mistake of looking up Steroid use and low-grade fever on Google.
All health-related searches will lead to a diagnosis of cancer, trust me on this.
Its never clear what Will learns, but Im sure it wasnt good.
(I googled it myself and came up empty except now Im pretty sure I have cancer.)
Backstage atThe Chew, Will seems overly hyped up, but otherwise okay.
On stage, hes sweating a lot.
His bandmates sense something is wrong and keep exchanging glances.
Readers, I laughed.
The cutest thing during all of this is how upset and freaked out Gunnar is.
The least cute thing is Wills glassy, unfocused eyes.
Yikes, I hope hes okay.
Screw you, midseason finale!
Then he gets home and we have the rare season-six Emily sighting in the wild.
Later, Avery tells Deacon that hes done with Juliette, for real this time.
And heres the thing:I agree with him.
This pattern has played out countless times before, over the course of several seasons.
Its a toxic relationship.
He knows it, we know it, and the show knows it.
The show is marching inexorably toward its final episodes.
Are they really going to have the courage of their convictions to endNashvillewith Avery and Juliette not together?
And more importantly, could we handle it?
