Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood
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Lets talk about masculinity inLove & Hip Hop: Hollywood.
Sometimes, it involves two women fighting over a man at a sparsely attended showcase signaling his sexual dominance.
Other times, it involves hiding a secret family in plain sight to display his brazen selfishness.
Usually the characters in this series define manhood by how they mistreat the women in their orbit.
We start this week with A1 Sauce and Lyrica still reeling from the dissolution of their marriage.
Their thoughts and feelings are more twisted up than A1sAlien vs. Predatorbraids.
A1 is at a hotel apparently owned by Mood Fabrics and Lyrica is poolside at a photoshoot.
Its apparent that neither of these unnatural blondes are over their blowout.
I use the word whole to emphasize that he is actively hiding her.
As in, I had awholerotisserie ham in my purse at theBlacKkKlansmanscreening.
She confides in A1 that RoccStar tried to steal her as an artist but she is loyal to him.
Im assuming it wasProject Runway: Latex Challenge because Lyrica looks like an extra inBatman Beyond.
(This is not an insult.
Id wear this to any postapocalyptic rave or Bushwick housewarming.)
Lyrica makes the tragic mistake of responding, This is what single looks like.
This is what Im Definitely Still Married looks like because nary a paperwork has been signed or filed.
Lyrica is about as single as a conjoined twin and she has no business gossiping to her husbands enemy.
Then, RoccStar refers to A1 as the Guy with the Pearls as if thats an insult.
Whats wrong with pearls?
Last I checked, the girl with the pearl earring had a painting, a book,anda movie.
Thats in my dream journal, right in between buy a Yacht called Yachty and drink more water.
Stassi (WHO?)
goes over to Brookes house, and Brooke greets her by calling her Latasha.
Brookes intentions are clear, Stassis are not.
For Stassi, its being on TV.
They argue over who gets to be Marcuss girlfriend and Stassi suggests she might be pregnant.
Brooke, ever the delusional villainess says she welcomes Stassi as a surrogate.
Brooke Valentine is the black Maleficent thatll curse your baby at his christening.
And for some reason, this turns Marcus on.
A1 has a show where he raps as LaBritney twerks.
Afterward, A1, who is named Floyd, reconnects with his brother Lloyd.
Then A1 makes the same mistake his Not WifeTM did and tells everyone his personal business.
Meanwhile, Nikki, Paris, and Teairra discuss how Akbars cheating ways are making her look crazy.
It does not make you look crazy, Teairra Mari.
It makes him like like a trifling polygamist.
We head back to a different studio where Lyrica admits she shouldnt have discussed her marriage with RoccStar.
Lyrica gets so upset she has to leave the studio.
Havent you ever heard of Mary J. Blige?
Put that pain into a song and make a hit record!
This is the capitalists creed.
Now, were at the clinic.
Which makes me wonder: Do the stars and starlets ofLove & Hip Hopget health care?
They deserve benefits, Lord knows they need the coverage for all their fist fights.
Speaking of, Brooke confronts Marcus and Stassi outside of the clinic and throws condoms at Stassi.
Especially since Stassi has done nothing wrong but consent to relationship with a guy Brooke also likes!
He wants his art to speak for itself.
I can support that.
I can also support the fact that he called out LaBritney for booty-dropping on a married mans stage.
In Not Sades defense, Paris brings her to this meeting under false pretenses.
Instead, she indulges in their incredibly invasive questions about her shady husband.
Whether she and her suspect husband are in an open relationship is none of their business.
We end this episode at the showcase weve been overhyping for several weeks.
The performances are a mixed bag of gold and turds.
Granny Smith Apple Watts raps.
And then the King Bee himself comes out and slays us all.
Im of course talking about JayWills alter ego, Kandie.
He brings much-needed depth and showmanship to a very tired showcase.
Speaking of tired, Apple Watts reaches for drama and brings Lyrica to fight LaBritney.
They fight over A1.
A1 gets into an altercation with RoccStar.
They fight over Lyrica and by proxy which man is a bigger boss.
Then, RoccStar gets into a fight with gravity and trips.
I love when people on reality TV fall because it always produces a genuine reaction.
His scream hits five octaves, just like Tevin Campbell.
But aside from a literal misstep, the showcase was pretty exhausting.
But that wouldnt be a fun show, would it?
The only people that win this petty drama is us, the viewers, (and Kandie!).
Until next week onLove & Hip Hop: Hollywood, where well have a black auntie food fight!
