Jersey Shore Family Vacation
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
We are living through a landmark moment in the history of science.
Themost important sociological experiment of our timehas resumed, with the two-episode premiere ofJersey Shore Family Vacation.
In the course of our research, we intend to answer several questions of vital importance to the field.
What effects do house music and Ron Ron Juice have, long term, on the human psyche?
Will a meatball inevitably age out of being a meatball?
What if the particular meatball in question is a mommy meatball?
Can spray tanner be absorbed into the bloodstream through the epidermis?
If so, is that, like, a problem?
And most of all, can you ever go home again?
We rejoin our test subjects not in Seaside Heights, but in Miami.
As professional scientists, I assume you are all wearing lab coats and protective goggles.
Youll find the emergency eye wash station in the corner, should you need it.
Related Story
First things first, we have some catching up to do.
Deena, too, recently tied the knot.
(Pauly has always been the Jay Leno ofJersey Shore.
)Ronnie also lives in Vegas, where hes expecting a baby with his girlfriend, Jen.
(No, not Sammi.
Her name is Jen, and she is by all appearances a different, non-Sammi person.)
But no cast member has changed more than Mike.
As he now says in the opening credits, The Situation is under construction.
Im going through a serious court case, he explains.
The United States versus they even have the nickname The Situation on the paperwork.
If he loses, he could face five to ten years in prison.
Shes, like, settled down now.
She found a really good guy, Nicole says of Sammi.
I dont think she wants to relive the Ronnie-Sam stuff, hypothesizes Deena.
Nicole also finds a minute to sneak into the shore house and abduct the duck phone.
Do you remember me?
Their Miami digs are a motherfucking compound, as Jenni puts it.
Ooh, were like rich, Nicole observes, not incorrectly.
The (lowercase) situation is developing.
Nicoles pouf has evolved into an enviable balayage.
(Is this what a balayage is?
I genuinely have no idea.
Dont tell anyone.)
Mike and Pauly share a certain cheeky puffiness; Vinny is low-carb skinny under his Im-an-adult-now facial hair.
Nicole in particular looks like shes wearing a real-life Snapchat filter.
I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as Snooki.
This is my dadchelor party, he says of Miami.
after you snag that baby, bitch, its done, Nicole warns him.
Clearly, he has learned an important lesson about unplanned pregnancies and birth control.
(This seems like as good an excuse to any to donate to Planned Parenthood.)
Cue Pauly dragging an enormous, alarmingly corpse-sized bag into the living room.
Im not impressed by this craftsmanship.
Vinny holds hands with the doll, then tweaks her nipple.
(And yet they wonder why she didnt want to come back.)
But okay, in the interest of fairness, wheres the humiliating Mike doll?
Of course, by this point, everyone is drinking heavily.
Then, the Sammi doll proves too heavy for Nicole to lift off the couch.
I just fought with Sam downstairs for like an hour, she says to Ron.
Welcome to my world, he responds.
I will always fist pump to the day I die, Nicole says.
Between tequila shots, Pauly meets his ideal woman: dark hair, light eyes, good dancer.
And she smells like a stripper!
he adds, besotted.
and falling, repeatedly, until shes carried out of the club.
Im looking around and Im realizing that were not these, like, wiser mature people.
Were still the same shitshow that was around five years ago, says Vinnie.
I mean, who among us?
When the roomies return to the house, the power is out for reasons that go unexplained.
(The following night, equally mysteriously, the power will have been turned back on.)
They nevertheless manage to order pizza.
Vinny picks off and eats only the cheese, a sight that is both heartbreaking and adorable.
The self-proclaimed Keto Guido is loyal to his diet, no matter how high his blood-alcohol level.
As prophesied, Nicole pees in the pool, still wearing her expensive-looking pants (Are they leather?
Can pee travel through leather?)
and with an exposed nipple (again, who among us?)
tastefully blurred in post-production.
Ronnie, its safe to say, has some stuff he needs to work through.
The next morning, a disoriented Nicole discovers that ants have swarmed their abandoned pizza remnants.
The roommates are thrilled, and not just because this means theyll have a 24/7 designated driver by default.
Immediately, Mike feels a sensory overload.
After all, refraining from booze onJersey Shoreis basically the Olympics of sobriety.
But I believe in Mike.
So do his friends.
Deena calls him both born again and Jesus.
I am more than willing to accept a reading ofJersey Shoreas the tale of a very unlikely second coming.
The roommates head out to a fancy dinner in celebration of Mikes arrival.
Fighting, yelling screaming.
I didnt like you.
You know, you were not a good person.
Finally, he veers left to end on a positive note.
I respect where youve gotten to and the strength that you have.
Very inspirational, bro, he says.
Weve come so far, from Come at me, bro to Very inspirational, bro.
Good on you, Ronnie.
And yet the Sammequin stubbornly floats.
Her built-in voice box sputters, both incoherent and noble in its resistance of death.
Yo, she is never going to talk to any of us ever again, Mike says.
Maybe we should write her a note, Pauly suggests.
Equipped with flashlights, the cast scours the grass by hand.
She sobs on the phone to her father, threatening to leave Miami.
Maybe, just maybe, the Sammequins ghost is seeking revenge from her watery grave.
Karma is not just a club, according to the Gospel of Mike.
