I’ll Be Holding a Red Rose, by Lucas Gardner

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Hey Sandra,

Just wanted to say I cant wait for our blind date this Friday!

Ill see you 7 o clock sharp at Maguires Pub.

Here are some other ways you’re able to identify me.

So, that should help you identify me.

Heres just a few more ways to spot me.

Our date will coincide with the Red Sox/Phillies game and the bar will almost certainly have the game on.

Im rich, baby.

If its any other genre of music I will probably just be nodding my head along to it subtly.

Also, I weigh 550 pounds, so look for that.

I will say as I stomp my foot.

I will be birdsitting for a friend that morning and their bird is known to peck strangers.

If Idont, I will be the guy covered in bird pecks.

And Ill be holding a red rose.

See you soon :)

Lucas Gardner is a comedian and writer in New York City.

His work has appeared inThe New Yorkerand more can be found atLucasGardnersThings.com, onTwitter, or in hisnovels.