I Am Gareth the Bold, and I Fear No Confrontation, by Graham Techler

Save this article to read it later.

Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.

Im going to stop you right there, and it wont throw me one bit.

I ordered this meal with the Dressing of a Thousand Islands and this is plainly ungarnished.

I begin each of my emails like this: RECKON WITH ME!

People trip over themselves to plug headphones in on the subway when I pass.

Its not a class judgment thing.

They come with the phone, I know you have them.

I even told my father, Gene the Audacious, this.

I will never surpass my father, and this is part of what it means to be a son.

All my supers have fixed that loose faucet!

Okay, you know what, just leave the salad, its fine.

And take away the other table setting, Im eating for one.

Also, I should tell you now that I believe tipping culture is bad for the economy.

Graham Techler is a New York-based writer and comedian.

Youd be doing him a real solid by following him on Twitter@grahamtechleror on Instagram@obvious_new_yorker.