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Marina Benjamin couldnt sleep.
Periodically, we return to the pitch black of Benjamins sleepless bedroom.
That led me to cognitive behavioral therapy [CBT].
It led me to pills.
It led me to think theres something wrong with me.
I did not respond well to treating myself as a patient suffering from a malady.
I would start getting up and reading and writing, and that kind of worked.
Its about paying attention to that, listening in, working with it rather than fighting it.
you’ve got the option to really feel delusional at night.
Theres so much written already on the medicine of insomnia.
I wanted to take a different approach, but nod gently and say, Yeah, Ive read it.
I was very interested in approaching sleep and night-waking as a literary subject.
Theres a lot of poetry about insomnia but not much literature, not much prose.
I brought in references to Scheherazade, and to Penelope from theOdyssey.
Penelope is one of these characters whos principally known for being awake at night.
Her wakefulness is intriguing because its a literal vigil, waiting for this husband of hers.
So I really loved that whole idea of what did wakefulness mean?
Penelope also represents longing; the more something is not there, the more we want it.
And of course we know that desire works like that.
And when it does manifest itself, its often pathologized.
So here was the cure: Put them to bed.
Professional women were being put to bed.
And currently, there are these so-called sleep diets, which Ive experienced.
We were keeping sleep diaries and it was all a bit mysterious.
We didnt know what they were for but we all dutifully kept them.
They only made it worse.
Then they said, Right.
Thats as much sleep as youre allowed.
I am always intrigued by new innovations.
Part of me thinks we might have a future in which all our states are controlled by drugs.
Well pop pills to be awake, to be asleep, to feel things, to not feel things.
Pre-moderns had two sleeps, or they slept whenever they could, or they napped periodically during the day.
Our body clocks dont always coincide with the clock of capitalism.
And if you force them into patterns that dont feel right, were all permanently kind of jet-lagged.
Writing this book changed my experience of insomnia.
Im not as frightened of it and I dont fret as much.
I lean into it more and get up and do things.
I still sleep badly most nights, but I utilize more of the 24-hour cycle.
Sometimes, I reset the entire deck of my Gmail inbox, responding to every demand.
But then, the more you lack sleep the more you want it.
Were all under-slept as a society, so we idealize it.
Its this golden burnished ideal that you cant obtain if youre an insomniac.
So, you know, theres nothing I like more than going to bed.
I love it cause Im so tired!
Disclosure: Lilly Dancyger is a contributing editor for Catapults online magazine.
Catapult press is the publisher ofInsomnia, but the two divisions operate independently.
