House of Cards
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You guys are obsessed with Trump.
Did you used to date him?
Because you pretend like you hate him, but I think you love him.
Nothing in this farewell season needed to be about Frank.
But virtually everything was.
In his absence, he was everywhere.
But this final season shrugged off that premise and decided to fixate instead on who killed Frank and how.
It was about Frank cutting Claire out of his will.
Not to mention that the stakes of Claires presidency are, as far as I can see, nonexistent.
And I cannot believe the show hasnt raised any questions regarding the paternity of her baby!
Does no one but me think shes novelist Toms daughter?
Having muzzled Kelsey, Claire is running all her own press briefings.
Transparency is the cornerstone of my presidency, she says, as she flagrantly lies about everything.
This does not really answer anyones question.
Mid-briefing, Janines article goes up.
It says Frank excluded Claire from his will and the named source in the piece is … Doug Stamper.
He has whisper-growled on the record.
Claire continues her efforts to portray Doug as a lunatic, and then she calls her attorney.
Claire is not pleased.
Nathans last bit of counsel before he peels out of there: You should cancel your upcoming public appearances.
TherealPresident Underwood kept an audio diary, he announces.
Doug, shes President Hale now.
God, keep up.
Annette and Mark are watching all this explode on TV.
Mark is nervous, as is his natural state.
But Annie will do what she has to do to get Duncan out of prison.
Mark thinks this is the opportune moment for a DTR talk.
It is emphatically not!
But Annie obliges: Were having sex again until it seems like a bad idea again.
Janine and Doug are sitting next to each other on a couch while Doug reads along with Franks diary.
He wont let Janine hear it for herself.
How is she publishing it if shes never heard it?
For all she knows, hes just listening to Kesha and making all this up!
Janine is no Zoe, so this goes nowhere.
Doug goes back to growl-reading.
My wife is ruthless.
I love Claires helpless sputtering at her attorney.
And, as someone whose recaps only appear on the internet, I say: Rude.
Doesnt Claire know that Netflix isnt even on television?
Bill is looking quite weary and giving all these interviews about how Claire is acting like a monarch.
He has a fake-folksy shtick that is so grating.
All these interstitials with him are boring and illuminate nothing.
(While listening to her brother, Annette whispers, Bill Shepherd, shut the fuck up.
Every line of Annies dialogue is perfect.)
I roll my eyes for a thousand days and then return to this recap.
IT IS A SERIES FINALE,FOR THE LOVE OF CASHEW.
He wants to know how Claire pulled it off.
(It being Franks murder, I guess.)
Hes just asking as a pragmatist!
Hed also like to know how she will separate herself from Frank.
Claire says the only remaining link is Doug.
Shes getting real hawkish in her second trimester.
Every single intelligent person in the room advises against this course of action.
Claire goes on this digression about how she couldnt think of the word thats the opposite of misogyny.
Does Claire have WiFi in the White House?
People talk about misandry on the internet every day!I have talked about iton this very website.
Seth is eating ribs with Doug and telling him the whole country is relying on him.
So theyre having Doug kill Claire.
Or, at least, thats what they want to do.
Doug and Claire are sending each other late-night texts.
All Doug wants is for Claire to drop the investigation into Frank.
Then he texts her sweet dreams like the psycho he is.
In her silky pjs, Claire has an even later night call with Petrov.
I wish wed had more of this guy this season.
Motherhood doesnt automatically make a woman a saint he says, accurately.
Oh also, the Russians killed Nasser.
Claire does get in this excellent dig: Ive always been entertained by your arrogance.
Its like watching a movie just out of date.
Privately, I … [long pause] …
I will miss you.
Same here, comrade.
Annie swings by the Oval to say she and Claire shouldnt give the world the catfight it craves.
But Claire can tell Annie is lying.
Seth also suggests he and Doug just run away together.
Would you watch that bizarro buddy comedy?
But no, everyone is sticking around, Doug is going in.
Also going in: Claire.
Petrov puts her on blast in front of everyone in the Situation Room, how embarrassing for her.
The things youve done.
Think how the world will judge you.
If she doesnt find out who wants to kill her, she will order a nuclear strike.
Super rational decision making from the Commander in Chief, as usual.
When she gets back to the Oval, a gift from Doug awaits her.
Its Franks letter opener and the recording of Franks diary.
She listens to it for .02 seconds before tearing out the earbuds and yanking off her wedding band.
She has the White House cleared, save for essential personnel.
Meanwhile, Janine swears to pursue this Shepherds/ARCAS/Underwood corruption to the end.
Doug left her the Rachel coordinates and some other assorted evidence.
I think Janines car is going to explode, but she drives off in the rain instead.
Is Dougs name on the list?
GOOD GOD DOUG, LET IT GO.
Claire points out that Frank never even mentions Doug in the recordings.
Then Claire tells Doug she forgives him, because twist!
It is extremely sad, I have to say.
I couldnt let him destroy everything we built.
I had to protect the legacy from the man.
Ugh, mustHouse of Cardstalk about itself through the show?
We get it, you dont want to go down with the Spacey ship.
As for Frank: What legacy could Doug possibly be talking about?
WhatisFranks legacy, besides a string of unnecessary homicides?AmWorks?
Doug has Claire by the jugular but cant kill her.
He just sort of half-stabs her.
Now is not the time for half-stabs, Doug!Remember how long it took to kill Rachel?
Id forgotten but now its all rushing back.
No more pain, she says, and then she looks at us, and then … yup!
Thats the end of the series.
To me, this felt almost laughably anticlimactic.
leaves me feeling so uninspired.
Like Claire, I endHouse of Cardsby looking at all of you.
What do you make of this effort at a grand finale?
