House of Cards
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
And by everyone, I meaneveryone.
Did you think the Shepherds wanted to just assassinate Claire?
(Way to be ethically consistent, Annette Abortions Are Evil Shepherd.)
Janine is sobbing while driving because she knows that Toms death-by-whoopsie-robbery was premeditated manslaughter.
To remind all of us what this show is apparently, truly about umm, death?
we begin with a shadowy figure digging up graves.
A lot of graves.
Remember thatone episode ofThe Americanswhere a whole scene was spent digging up just the one grave?
And that was a team of trained spies, working in shifts!
This someone is bearded.
There is: Doug Stamper.
Is this a recording of everything he ever said straight to the camera?
Were his fourth-wall breaks actually secret diary entries?
If you were asking yourself, How long did it take Doug to grow that beard?
the answer, as we can see from Claires swelling belly, is four months.
He has an actual Unabomber beard.
He is mourning Rachel.
And lets get rid of everyone who doesnt agree with me!
(Claire as Trump in Hillary clothing is … one way to go, I guess.)
Claire responds by having very intense contractions.
Which kind of pain is that, I wonder?
Speaking of people whose bodies are betraying them: Bill has looked better.
He is Miss Havisham-level pale, talking to a bunch of rich people at some event.
Its a little early to be popping Champagne, but no one told Annie and Bill that.
Congressman Cole is here, as is Mark, wearing a turtleneck (?)
and a blazer and talking about how hes just fine to rebuild his career again and again and again.
CHISEL THAT INTO MY HEADSTONE, CROSS-STITCH IT ONTO ALL MY PILLOWS.
(Or, at least, everybody go add that to the tops of your Tinder profiles.)
Annie tells Bill theyre both legally adopting Duncan so he can inherit Shepherd Unlimited.
Sensing a theme, re: heirs, legitimacy, and inheritances?
I want every door to be wide open and stay that way.
His name is Reed.
I dont think we know him from anywhere else.
Meanwhile, Doug does weird survivalist face-washing and then emerges into the night where Nathan awaits him.
Congressman Cole shows up and somehow avoids commenting on the post-frat-party vibe of the place.
Also, Congressman Cole is now Speaker of the House.
Are lakehouses so great and that hard to come by?
I mean, I dont have one, Im just saying.
Cole isnt so hot on impeaching a black justice.
Claire, as you might expect, does not care.
Besides, Annie says, Claire will be a feminist martyr, especially because shes pregnant.
Janine yells what we are all thinking at Doug: What the hell are you protecting?
Claire has a sit-down interview with Melody of Beltway TV, where she announces that shes having a girl.
Doug watches this interview with his arms folded.
Through the TV/fourth wall, Claire says, Come and get me, Doug.
So Doug dramatically cuts off his beard because the END IS NIGH.
Of course he cuts himself so there can be symbolic bloodshed.
Then Doug looks right at us and says, She leaves me no choice.
Is there anyone in this show who isnt allowed to talk directly to us?
