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Branums book hits stores on July 31.
The memory is of bracing clarity.
That it was20/20also means it was Friday.
I was having a pretty good night.
And then, like that, at ten p.m.,20/20came on.
Basically,Anderson Cooper 360was one hour of television every week that aired opposite prime-time soaps.
I realized every time Id seen B-roll of fat people, their faces had been cut off or pixelated.
As a nine-year-old fat person, I didnt entirely understand why they were doing that.
What were they trying to achieve?
You know, the way they do when they see you in real life.
Even today, when fat people are represented on the news, we are represented as meat.
Lumps of meat and fat lumbering through a mall or parking lot.
There is no story, no humanity.
I have always been fat.
Fat people are not protagonists.
We are not dynamic.
We do not solve the problem.
We are, in fact, often seen as the problem.
We dont usually think about those people, though.
The best example is the NBC reality competition showThe Biggest Loser.
On the show, a dozen or so fat people showed up to stop being fat.
They had no other characteristics.
They had loved ones who worried, but not careers that rewarded them.
They were sad and long-suffering, not exciting or full of ideas.
Then the fat person would blubber about Their Sad Truth.
We watched them lose weight by being yelled at and humiliated on-camera, then drugged and dehydrated off-camera.
They never got to have a personality then, either.
This narrative illustrates the complex, nearly Calvinist construction of obesity with which America is in love.
We need to believe that fat people can lose the weight.
We need to know fat peoplecouldlose the weight, because if theydont, its a choice.
Its a question of morality.
Being obese is dangerous and bad and must be opposed with every fiber of your being.
And if you do that, you will be transformed.
If you just eat less and exercise, you might be saved.
Kate, the fat sister on NBCsThis Is Us, is a fictionalized version of aBiggest Losercompetitor.
She has no qualities.
Shes thirty-seven years old and is wholly devoid of skills or passions other than kind of liking singing.
Have any of these people met a fat girl?
A real Kate, in the real world, would be awesome.
Shed have tons of gay friends and go to drag bingo a lot.
Shed have learned to be fearless with fashion, because people are going to judge her anyway.
Shed have a joke to make when shes too sweaty.
Shed have broken a chair before, and shed know what to do when it happens the second time.
That aint any of the fat bitches I know.
If Kate is fat, she cannot have been journeying toward unfatness with all of her power.
We might say, Yeah, she got fat, but she had some shit going on.
Kate is deserving of personhood and dynamism only during those times when her singular purpose is unfatting herself.
Famously, this is a part of Chrissy Metzs contract.
She is required to lose weight so that she can tell Kates story of triumph.
And we need fat people to fail.
We need them to be so dumb and lacking in willpower that said salvation is never actually achieved.
We need to know that their immorality is inherent so we can believe our own thin morality is inherent.
We fat people are bound to live our lives tied to this struggle.
Until were done being fat, the trying has to be all of who we are.
This narrative is deeply damaging.
At that moment I had to step back and legitimately consider,shouldI get a crack addiction?
Iddefinitelylose weight,and the good doctor did say it was healthier than my baseline existence.
Popular culture demands that we fat people recognize our existence as an overwhelming crisis.
Will I get too exhausted?
Will I sweat too much?
Im not worried about it being painful or inconvenient for me.
Im worried about the extent to which my different physical reaction to situations will mark me as Other.
On a recent vacation, I went on a snorkeling trip.
I slid further into panic.
Wanna know what?
Im a strong swimmer.
I have big feet, so I didnt need flippers.
I kept up with everyone.
Tracy is distinct from most other fat characters in that she is very good at something.
Fat characters are typically slow and sad, needy and childish.
Theyre generally some version ofShelley Winters inThe Diary of Anne Frank.
They are obstacles for nonfat heroes.
Tracy, however, is talented and she knows it.
Shes the best at something.
She gets to be confident, she gets to challenge the social order.
She gets the guy, and we understand why.
Tracy is like the fat girls I know.
And the thing Tracy is good at is dancing.
Her skill is her body.
Fat people are told we are supposed to be obsessed with our bodies but never take pleasure in them.
Our bodies are supposed to be enemies were calculating against.
Her body is a source of power and pleasure.
Its also significant that the conflict ofHairspraydoes not, in any significant way, rest on Tracys fatness.
(The main conflict, in fact, centers on the segregation perpetuated by the show shes on.)
The movie isnt about Tracys fight for her inclusion.
Rather, its about how her inclusion is marginal and conditional as long as others are being excluded.
Ive always been a very good dancer.
Thats because theyre surprised.
Im not good at loving my body.
In truth, my body and I have a stormy relationship.
Several times Ive marshaled the resources of my life to losing weight.
I lose weight, but Im still fat.
Im still too fat to be human, and my efforts dont exactly add up to loving my body.
Im not good at believing Im attractive.
Im not good at making space for physical recreation in my life.
What I want you to know is that Im a very.
Turn on the music, and it knows what to do.
But its what Ive got, so Im going to be proud of it.
People will continue to look at me and tell me that Im doing it wrong.
Theyre going to expect that inherent in my fatness is a lack of agency and capability.
I am always, on some level, going to think theyre right.
But I will also love my body.
Im going to have fun with it.And Im going to dance.
Copyright 2018 by Guy Branum.
