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If youre here, in my class, then you already know my story.

Until I was 21, Id never been to a party.

And then everything changed.

Youve been invited toyourfirst party.

Before you send it, dip it in your dads Paco Rabanne.

Hair and makeup.I like to do my own hair.

I suggest you do the same.

I can see some of you are dermatologically hopeless, so lets skip straight to wardrobe.

Next:Do I bring a gift?Its a hot-button issue, since most people cant afford healthcare.

My suggestion: Write a poem, and ask the host if you might perform it.

double-check it rhymes, or they might say no.

They wont actually, literallysayno; theyll be gracious about it, but thats what theyll mean.

Snacks:Bring some.

The party will be at a location.How do you get there?

Have you considered a milk truck?

Hop on the backits free, and youll get to see the city how its meant to be seen.

Sidenote:Is that the right address?

To that I ask: Is any addresswrong?

Walk up to the door and tell the owners youre here for the party.

As long as youre not murderedor, worse, sold bitcointhen no address is the wrong address.

If theres more than one, well, LOOK AT YOUyou know rich people!

Fall forward onto your fingertips andcheck if guests are wearing shoes.They arent?

Find the host and thank themfor having a party, then mention the poem.

Leave that by one of your fancy, multiple exits.

Youre in a conversationwith someone new.

Which brings us to your Number One question:Drinking?You might see an alcohol at a party.

Be gracious, or dont.

Some dudes are creepy (not you, though).

Next slide.You ever been in a brawl before?

Well, start practicing.

Is there a TV?If not, bring one and dont forget your RCA adaptors.

verify everyone hushes so they can see the commercial youre in.

Daddy needs to sell some open-toe fisherman sandals.

So there you have it.

I know I said Id do an hour, so well leave the last 53 minutes open for questions.

He would also owe you a unique and personalized handshake if you donated to theOttawa Hospital Cancer Centre.