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Shes Madonna, shes spanking me, it was delicious, you know?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Its kind of kinky, she says, leaning back in her seat.
The spanking was nice and I enjoyed it.
I loved to surrender.
Musically this record is brighter, bigger and more immediate.
Youre now taking full ownership of the fact that you produced your first record andChristoo.
I took the lesson really hard on the first record to not do it again.
My team is like, bah, no, its actually easier.
Youve spoken about how rage permeates parts of this record.
Were still at that point where anger has to be softened or made less threatening.
Full sadness or full horniness or full anger.
I have old sadnesses and old angers.
Even pansexuality becomes a box.Sometimes people were discussing pansexuality and theyre like, right, youre gay.
Im just trying to escape binarism.
Actually sometimes when youre a woman with more power, men will freak out.
Or theyre always trying to diminish the accomplishment or make you feel like its, again, too much.
How am I refused the triumphant narrative that males have?
Where was this coming from?
Journalists?Not all of them from intimate relationships, sometimes journalists, sometimes people in the industry.
I was listening to records made by women addressing complexity, likeThe Velvet Ropeby Janet Jackson.
Its such a cool record of one person resisting one narrative from one song to the other.
I was also fascinated by creating a character that could be as complex as a novel.
What would you say is the most vulnerable song on the record?Whats-her-face.
Its like the finger in the wound.
I read books so young likeGender Troubleby Judith Butler.
I was addressing gender fluidity at like 11 and 12.
To me it was sexy to say that, but the guy was horrified.
To me it was like literature, I was exploring shit.
I was not clicking with the common vibe.
To me, being bullied feels like an almost necessary part of adolescence.
I dont know if its like this for everyone, but for me it crystalized somewhere.
Its part of why I always take a stab at experiment and be stronger.
I think many different things are rooted in those moments.Its an inescapable feeling.
Sometimes it wakes up in really mundane situations, like if someone looks at me weirdly.
Right, like heres one facet of me.
Im interested in the sexier facet that you have coming to the fore.Me too!
This notion of exploring sex outside a serious relationship is a relatively new concept for me personally.
I was scared to experiment with my sexuality even though I knew it was really important.
For me getting older is a liberation regarding my body, my body image, and my self-esteem.
Its fucking easier now than when I was 20 years old.
And so then there was the discovery that something could be lighter or simpler.
Did you meet someone who inspired that in you?I think it was a blend of different things.
It was soothing in a way.
I was not hiding or ashamed of who I could be and that was a great shift.
It felt good to have someone to talk about it with so freely and it empowered me a lot.
It doesnt define you.
What defines you is the addition of all the desires you experiment with.
And then with more experimentation comes more confidence to explore further.
Is it essentially a diary of your desires and sexual impulses?Yeah!
I decided to call it Notes on Wanting and add a password to it!
Its not on my iCloud!
Writing is a part of living and living calls for more writing.
Its always been like that for me.
Even inventing Christine was me writing to myself what I would become.
Writing helps me process and remember and taste again.
I couldnt stop writing about the desires and it made them even stronger and more interesting.
And then it was like, lets experiment some more so I can write some more.
What book of hers moved you specifically?Bluetsmoved me to my core.
Its demanding, generous writing.
I love how intelligent and slutty and philosophical it is.
I want to be that too.
You like the wordslut.Yeah.
And then we go back to the witch figure.
Like the angry woman, the horny woman always has to be a bit demonized.
Like she has a problem.
Its never pure and great conquering desire, like with men.
Its changing, but really slowly.
Like when you watchIn Bed With Madonnaagain: Shes still threatening in that documentary.
Its such a great scene when she wants to date Antonio Banderas.
Shes like, I want him for dinner tonight.
Its not that different to today and it freaks me out.
Are we still there?
Shes still disruptive in that doc.
Doesnt Matter is a very upbeat pop song thats remarkably honest about depression and suicidal thoughts.
Sometimes I feel I can be more honest in my writing than in life.
Sometimes its a problem, actually.
Sometimes in life Im so constrained by invisible barriers and filters I inflict on myself.
When Im writing Im not questioning that at all.
When I wrote that track I was quite vulnerable.
It was February 2017 and I remember it very well.
I was like, fuck, just let me relate to you!
I was having the most terrible day and I was crying my heart out before I wrote the track.
As always when I have those moments of sadness Im like, I should make something out of it.
It was like a confession, a monologue, Im fed up with that shit.
And then came the chorus and its more soothing because writing is mending already.
So maybe some updates are not that good, but its the newest version.
