Bachelor in Paradise
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There was a voice floating from across the plains.
A plaintive wail drifted from across the lands.
A cry in the night.
A whimper in the distance.
It was the voice of a charming and witty freelance writer.
It was just two words …
…..freeeeee meeeeee ……
FREE ME FROM THIS HELL.
I looked down in the sand and there was just one set of roller bag tracks.
WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?
What have I done to deserve this punishment?
To sit throughthree hours ofBachelor in Paradise.I wish this world was better.
There are so many things that we need to fix about this world, about ourselves.
So many things that I need to fix about myself.
I seriously feel like the easiest one to fix is makeBachelor in Paradisehalf as long.
We cant solve global warming or government corruption in a day but we can do this.
I mean … WOW.
Where even to begin?
Wait, I take that back.
There is literally one shining moment.
Im not minimizing your feelings.
Its okay to be emotional.
Im sticking by my hot baby (ew).
Jordan demonstrated a mature and respectful way to handle your partners emotions.
These desperate times make for strange bedfellows.
Theres a whole bunch of weirdness in this episode so I hope youre ready.
Lets get to it.
The first bomb to go off in Paradise is Eric going on a date with Cassandra.
Eric and Cassandras romantic date starts with Popsicles and Eric making a completely uncalled-for toast.
Theyre not in glasses.
Theres nothing to toast.
I think we have to invent a new throw in of irony forBachelor in Paradise.Angela?
The fact that Paradise has debased someone like Eric means that we have truly reached the rockiest of bottoms.
This feels like we got two people with two completely different Love Languages here.
I mean … he realized that he just cant fake his relationship with Tia anymore.
Oh wow, however you say it, it sounds very bad.
Just when I thought we were done with these two sentient buttermilk biscuits.
Colton sits down with Kevin to tell him that his heart just isnt in the relationship with Tia anymore.
All he wants to do is yo others and it comes at the detriment of his own satisfaction.
Most importantly, this is just not a reason a guy breaks up with you.
Guys break up with you because you theyre getting back together with their ex-girlfriend whose dad has a boat.
Guys break up with you because theyre weirded out by your need for commitment and intimacy.
Basically, ultimately selfish reasons.
Tia, of course, breaks down and her only reaction is to leave right then and there.
She says that Colton needs to take time to work on himself.
Tia, that is not going to happen.
Hes going to take time to force 30 women to deal with all his neuroses Monday nights on ABC.
Everyone cannot comprehend that such a strong couple is out of the game.
YOU ALL THOUGHT TIA AND COLTON HAD A STRONG RELATIONSHIP?
You sweet little dummies.
He napped through the whole thing.
John must be way more charming in person.
Everyone is crying and shaken except for Angela and Cassandra who come back from their date.
The concept of time and space on this show is upside down.
Eric takes Angela aside and he asks how shes doing.
NOT GREAT, ERIC.
She cant comprehend how he completely changed his mind in eight hours.
Angela says she was all in.
Eric says What does in really mean?
Angela just says Okay.
Shes walking away from this conversation a little too calmly.
She takes Cassandra aside and breaks down her conversation with Eric.
You knew exactly what you were doing and it wasnt just wanting Cassandra to have all the information.
Eric sits down with Cassandra and shes not feeling him anymore.
Well, at least until the rose ceremony.
The next morning, Kevin and Astrid are lounging around.
Shes falling in love with him.
At least theres one pure relationship on this show.
In the morning, Jordan shaves Chriss baby hairs off.
Chris, I tried to do this once when I was about 8 years old.
They grew back straight up and took years to grow in right.
Have fun with that.
Theres two new arrivals in the morning: Shushanna and Christen.
They have a double-date card.
Wells decides to tell Yuki about the whole scallop fingers thing.
Without everyone laughing about the nickname, its really … mean?
Its somehow meaner than before.
Just one man reminding everyone about a mean nickname like its a irrefutable fact.
Just because she has a mean nickname also doesnt change the fact that shes a thirsty bitch.
Shushanna and Christen choose Kamil and John for their dates.
After the foursome head out for their double date, Chris Harrison shows up.
He says that hes bringing in special guests to decide who is going on the next date card.
Its Ashley I and Jared.
Yeah, hes standing in the back, dog.
He also says that timing is everything.
Fuck you, dude.
THERE IS A NEIL LANE ENGAGEMENT RING.
Kevin is forced to watch his ex-girlfriend get engaged to the man she maybe cheated on him with.
Kevin has a bit of a meltdown and Astrid sits with him.
Theres a real date card and its for Kevin.
He goes to dinner with Astrid and they tell each other they love each other.
Are we done yet?
Is this dude making up for when he was not John-of-Venmo-fame?
All right: its time for the rose ceremony.
Shushanna is not giving up on Kamil and Cassandra decides that yeah, maybe Eric is still kinda cute.
Hes just … here, I guess?
Shushanna is so nervous to go talk to Kamil.
She doesnt understand why Kamil isnt fawning over her.
She felt that connection.
She works up the courage to go talk to him.
Can someone tell me what the big deal with this guy is?
Ive never seen anyone with less charisma in my entire life.
He says he tried to open up to her on their date.
It doesnt matter because he didnt feel that spark so shes looking elsewhere.
The other woman who has decided to set her sights on Kamil is Chelsea.
She takes him aside and encourages him toexplorehis feelings.
They hold hands and Anneliese stares them down.
Anneliese is the jot down of girl who would read your text messages.
Did Chelsea think she was getting away with this?
Anneliese tells Chelsea not to poke the bear and stand down.
Chelsea feigns ignorance and says that maybe Anneliese is hearing what she wants to hear.
I mean … true.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
All the standard relationships get roses.
Jordan and Jenna, Kevin and Astrid, Kendall and Joe, Chris and Krystal.
Eric gives rose to Cassandra.
Jordan 2 gives his rose to Shushanna ensuring one more week of drama with Kamil.
John gives his to Olivia and Kamil gives his rose to Anneliese.
If they cant find love, theyll perish here, much like my own spirit.
Paradise claims more souls tonight.
