Bachelor in Paradise
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You see your two snacks: fruit salad and a coconut water and an entire cheesecake.
You think to yourself: Im already fucked-up.
Ive already made a series of bad decisions and fully acknowledge how much of a trash person I am.
I might as well eat this entire cheesecake and go to bed in my makeup because nothing matters.
Have you ever done that?
Thats what watchingBachelor in Paradisefelt like tonight.
Its the Tia and Colton Show.
Its all just a rehash of the least interesting and most convoluted drama from Beccas season.
There are officially moreBachelor in Paradisesuccess stories thanThe Bachelorsuccess stories.
Its time for the opening credits.
Theres a real missed opportunity when David doesnt fall off anything but Nysha is listening to her own heartbeat.
(… Who is Nysha?)
Venmo John is there and hes counting cash for some reason.
Host Chris is raking the sand waiting for all the contesticles and ladytestants to arrive.
Its the most dramatic season ever!
Do we remember last season?
Do we remember we had to take some time off?
That we all had to go home and think about what we did?
Do we really want to promise a season more dramatic than that?
So who is going to be in Paradise?
First up is Kendall.
She wants to show everyone theres more to her than just taxidermy and ukulele.
She was heartbroken by Arie and shes ready for love again.
Then theres Kenny King!
Hes with his daughter and hes ready to bring the right woman into his life.
Why isnt Kenny the Bachelor yet?
Put theBachelorbelt on him.
Kevin is there and hes insinuating that Ashley hooked up with Jared while they were still together.
They keep teasing Ashley and Jareds proposal.
I wonder how Kevin is going to feel about that.
Krystal is back and shes speaking in her natural register!
Both Krystal and Chris have learned from the post-show criticism and theyre there to rewrite their narratives.
He says Unfortunately, I cant marry my mom.
He says it like someone who looked up if he could marry his mother … recently.
He says it like someone who thinks its an annoying technicality that he cant marry his mom.
Is this the male version of Im not like regular girls.
I drink beer and eat chicken wings?
Anneliese lists everything shes afraid of and Bibiana says she wants them to blur her butt out.
Tia is the first to arrive in Paradise and Eric follows behind.
Eric is deep into miracle season and he cant stop doing shoulder shimmies.
Bibiana arrives and shes feeling way too sexually frustrated.
She says the bumpy road to the resort is the most attention her uterus has received in months.
Does she knows where … where … the sex happens?
Jordan says that where hes from is famous for kayaking, manatees, and Jordan.
Then Grocery Store Joe shows up.
Damn, the bar isso lowfor white men.
You just have to have all your teeth and a fun accent.
The ladies immediately fall over themselves to impress him.
He immediately bonds with Kendall over the best place to have a picnic.
Kendall says the best place is a cemetery.
Good luck getting rid of your quirky girl persona with statements like that.
Tia is sitting there biting her nails waiting for Colton to arrive and he never does.
She might be forced to start a new relationship instead of rehashing what weve seen all last season.
She has to pick someone to go on a date with and none of the boys are Colton!
So she says fuck it and picks Chris.
The next morning, Tia and Chris are smooching by the pool.
All is well in Parad OH SHIT.
WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.
And hes got a date card.
Tia immediately abandons any moral stand she was willing to take and heads out on a yacht with Colton.
Colton says that hes there to figure his shit out and that includes Tia.
They smooch on a Jet Ski.
Tia says shes been waiting for this moment for six months.
This is going to end terribly.
What else is going to end terribly?
Whatever plan The Goose Gang is coming up with.
Tia and Colton come back from their date and The Goose Gang are ready to fly.
TO BE CONTINUED …
