Bachelor in Paradise
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
If we just …
Ummmmmmmmm …
Lets just …
WHAT?
How do we even
ARE THERE NO MORE RULES?!??!!?
NO, I WILL NOT CALM DOWN.
So, nothing means anything and we can just bring people from home now, I guess?
Chris Harrison just lets you do what you want and we all have to go along with it?
Unfortunately, the entire endeavor is just BAFFLING.
Im bewildered, perplexed, and befogged!
Im CONFOUNDED, dear readers.
Specifically, on this television program.
Unless you care more about being on television than having an authentic and honest relationship.
Theres no space for Dereks feelings in all this.
Did she expect Kristian to wait for her?
Say Demi really fell in love in Paradise, what happens to Kristians feelings then?
How is it any different than what so many of these dudes have been accused of?
PLUS.Kristian is the least charismatic person ever to grace that damn beach.
We gotta deal with this lady now?
I didnt sign up for this random lady.
I did not sign up for Kristian.
What is her personality besides blonde bob and bad at picking out outfits (according to Demi)?
Does she even #sponcon #ad?
WAS SHE AT STAGECOACH?
This woman has no idea who Nelson Mandela is.
If theres any human who was the main character of Earth, it was Nelson Mandela.
He was that bitch.
Also, Wellss clue was Will Smith played him in a movie.
No, he didnt.
Will Smith has never played Nelson Mandela.
Morgan Freeman has, because that makes perfect sense.
Somehow, Terrence I invented my own math Howard has played Nelson Mandela, but Will Smith NEVER has.
Does Wells not know the difference between Will Smith and Terrence Howard?
Does Wells think the movieAliwas about Nelson Mandela?
Or does Wells think that concussion movie where Will Smith played that Nigerian concussion doctor was about Nelson Mandela?
I need ANSWERS because this cannot stand.
Seeing the whole cast accept and welcome Kristian, while narratively confusing, was heartwarming.
You could create a system where roses arent only exchanged along heterosexual lines.
You could include peoples pronouns in their chyrons along with snarky job descriptions.
You could have included actual viable queer options as contestants.
You could have made Demi and her girlfriend the bartenders and sent them on fun dates throughout the season.
Something,anythingother than a premise-breaking move that bolsters the franchises reputation as progressive more than anything else.
Elsewhere in Paradise, Jen S. arrives and shes impossibly beautiful and it freaks everyone out.
She asks Chris on the date and since Katie has temporarily lost her mind, he accepts.
Once things start happening, they just happen and theres nothing we can do about it.
Also, another woman falls victim to Cool Girl Syndrome.
Once youre sympathizing with Blake on a palapa, theres no cure.
Why is there so much vomit on this season?!
Nicole has written Clay a song where she says that she wants him in her tummy.
What does that mean?
I find it horribly inappropriate and I would like it off my television.
Kristina appeals to Blake to give her a friendship rose.
Caitlyn gets upset and sits around talking shit about Kristina to Caelynn.
Caitlyn decides shes going to CONFRONT Kristina about her confusing Blake and monopolizing his time.
She takes Kristina aside and says, Hey girlie!
Lets have a little chitty-chat!
Listen, if youre about it, BE ABOUT IT.
Kristina makes sure to compliment Caitlyns shoes because the rules of female engagement are opaque and contradictory.
If Caitlyn wants Blakes rose, the rules of the show require her to communicate that to him.
But according to Caitlyn, Kristina doesnt respect women!
Kristina is like a CRIME against WOMEN because she was a little rude to Caitlyn once.
Lets see what fresh hell this show can spin for us next week!
