Bachelor in Paradise
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There was something sweeping over Paradise.
Something deep and primal.
This is what I want to see on television: Men in tank tops talking about their feelings.
Men with stubble giving sensual kisses on a beach while discussing their mental health.
I think Im … having fun?!?!?!
Have I been duped byParadise?Am I sympathizing with the toxic forces in my life?
Its not all fun and shirtless guys flopping around with feelings.
You cant take an ethical and moral stand while bobbing up and down in an infinity pool.
Your moral stand cant also be based on an anti-tattling stance.
For every Kevin trying to work through his feelings, theres a Leo.
Hes not smart enough to trick Kendall into buying his line of bullshit but he thinks he is.
Thats the worst bang out of man: one who thinks hes smart.
There are men who know theyre smart; there are men who are smart.
And then therere men whothinktheyre smart.
Theyre the ones you have to look out for.
Lets get into it.
Astrid starts the day by going Lets find out whose life is getting ruined today.
Everyone is waking up in the morning and HOLD ON.
Benoit and Jennas date was last night in the timeline of the show?
It feels like this Jenna and Jordan have been having drama for approximately three years.
Also, every time they showed Tia, that bitch was ASLEEP.
She doesnt have to stay awake and stay vigilant.
Meanwhile, Chris and Krystal are spooning on an old tire while Chris compliments her butt.
Chris is feeling like something can stop their relationsh Oh no, its Connor.
Krystal starts doing lip trills to warm up her sexy baby voice.
Krystal came to Paradise to meet Connor.
That was before she was reminded that Connor existed.
WHAT WAS THIS DATE?
Then Connor growls at Krystal and they make out and he carries her into the ocean.
Connor and Krystal return to Paradise smiling and making out.
Chris tries to take Krystal aside and Connor follows them.
Thats a chaotic neutral move.
Jordan decides the best plan of action is to confront Benoit.
Someone help me do the math on this.
He keeps telling Benoit that the words dont match the actions.
I mean, Benoits words are matchinghisactions.
The love of her life (that she started dating yesterday) is leaving and shes BEREFT.
Anneliese is able to convince herself that whoever shes looking at is theactuallove of her life.
Kunil asks Anneliese on his date and they drive an ATV across a rickety bridge.
Also, somewhere in there, John tells Jubilee that hes not feeling her so she leaves.
Another confessional of Chris doing an extended goose metaphor.
The next meltdown is Kevin.
But thats Kevins issue to sort through.
Hes normally in therapy twice a week but here, theres only Wells and Yuki.
Thats not an emotional support system.
Astrid genuinely seems to appreciate him and they walk away feeling better.
Damn, who expected emotional growth and honesty onBachelor in Parad
AW FUCK.
Is there anything else to say about Leo?
Kevin slips up and tells Kendall that Leo kissed Chelsea and Kendall is hurt.
Kevin thought since Leo was telling everyone about it that Kendall knew.
Kendall did not know.
First of all, no.
His next plan is to find the rat.
No one ratted you out, you fucking idiot.
Kevin just assumed you were upfront about your bullshit.
Leo keeps complaining loudly about a tattletale.
If youre calling other adults tattletales, youre not emotionally prepared to kiss other people.
Kevin decides to put an end to Leos pouting and just tell him he let it slip.
Leo is more upset that he didnt get to tell Kendall on his terms.
That night, Kendall sits down with Leo to talk about his behavior.
Leo gives the following excuses/explanations:
You ruined my day.
(Emotionally abusive)
You werent divulging your other relationship.
(Lie)
Youre a great actress.
(Emotionally abusive)
I want you to be happy.
(Lie)
I have no idea how youre still single.
(What the fuck even is this one?)
I care about you.
She isnt guilted by your day being ruined?
Tell her you want her to be happy.
Accuse her of faking your connection.Thatdoesnt work?
Tell her shes amazing and Arie was an idiot.
This prompted a 45-minute argument between me and my boyfriend over who would be better in a fight.
My boyfriend has his money on South Side Italian Chicago strength.
To be continued …
