Bachelor in Paradise
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CUT AN HOUR OUT!
How many minutes of a man walking sadly on a beach throwing sand into the ocean do we need?
This time, Leo lashed out at Joe and Kendall after his gaslighting campaign.
Why are we doing this?
Who decided this was a good idea?
Its fucking stressful to watch anyone fight and everyone looks tense and uncomfortable with Leo being there.
Lets go back to the beginning of the episode and figure out how the fuck we got here.
The episode opens with Kendallstilltalking to Leo about him kissing Chelsea.
Kendall needs to just WALK AWAY.
Oh, Kendall, it wont go away.
Joe comes to pull Kendall away to save her from the poisonous feedback loop.
She thought if she could just tell him why hurting people is bad DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF, KENDALL?
Before the rose ceremony, Benoit tries to understand whats going on in Jennas head.
He has a perfectly legitimate gripe.
Hes upset that when Jenna dumped him she told him it was for his own benefit.
She told him it was what was best for him.
Hes an adult man with shorts and socks.
Do not presume you know whats best for him.
He tries to tell her that she dismissed his feelings and was complicating the situation.
Jenna turns on the waterworks and starts yelling, MAYBE I AM COMPLICATED.
The second a drunk white girl starts screaming MAYBE IAMCOMPLICATED, run.
Jenna runs to Jordan to tell her that Benoit made her cry.
She thought I had my best friends fill out my scores before I delivered my talking points.
I said she had no idea what she was talking about and she was just mad she lost.
Thats basically what this Jordan/Benoit fight was.
So here come the untethered penises.
Benoit convinces himself that Chelsea is the real woman for him and hes never felt this way before.
They make out in a hammock.
The date card for the day is for Eric.
This is the first date Ive ever seen that I would go on.
This is my ideal date.
While on the date, Angela and Eric pledge to be all-in.
Is this irony or foreshadowing?
Chris tries to show Krystal how much he cares … by asking her to do her job for free.
PAY HER, CHRIS.
Back at the resort, Kendall goes to chat with John and kisses him.
I think John and Kenny might be tied for most kisses in Paradise.
John might surpass Kenny by the end of the episode.
Kendall immediately feels bad and runs off to tell Joe.
Kendall tells herself and Joe that shes only kissing other people because she likes Joe so much.
I cannot with these people.
They both confess that theyre falling for each other.
Its time for the cocktail party.
Leo decides to do a toast.
This toast is basically Kendall is a bitch and youre all phony.
He calls Joe Grocery Store Bitch and that Taylor Street came out.
Thats a Chicago reference.
THIS AINTHOUSEWIVES, BITCH.
Leo is escorted out and the cocktail party continues.
Colton gives Tia a plate of hot dogs and they eat oneLady and the Trampstyle.
Why do they keep doing this?
STOP KISSING WITH FOOD IN YOUR MOUTHS.
She picks John and John thinks its because hes half-Asian and her ex-boyfriend is half-Asian.
Is he fetishizing … himself?
Connor, Benoit, and David all are headed home.
Its a new morning in Paradise and there are a few new female arrivals.
The first woman to come in is Olivia and shes got a FULL ON LEWK.
She was on Aries season … She takes a few guys aside and everyone is locked down.
She takes him to a childs quinceanera and they make out.
The next female arrival starts a bit more drama.
Up next is Cassandra and shes so hot, everyone loses their fucking minds.
She looks like a baby Morena Baccarin and shes wearingso much makeupin what has to be 90-degree weather.
Shes not here to play.
She takes a few guys aside and they tell her shes locked down.
Then she takes Eric aside, and suddenly, hes more open to new possibilities.
He agrees to the date.
This is Defcon 1.
This is relationship and emotional Defcon 1.
He needs to pursue other options to know if what he has with Angela is real.
They all met six days ago.
Just say, Yeah, youre my boyfriend but kiss other people if you want.
The second you have feelings, lets talk about it.
It would solve a lot of problems.
Astrid says that if one couple goes down, whats to stop the other ones too?
Angela retreats to her room to weep while Cassandra and Eric walk off to their date.
TO BE CONTINUED …
