Bachelor in Paradise
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Havent we been through enough?
Just as a people?
Weve suffered through so much.
Through the emotional turmoil of that skyscraper raccoon.
Through whatever the hell Meghan Markles dad was doing.
Through Cardi B running up on Nicki Minaj.
The unrelenting hell that is being alive in 2018.
CantBachelor in Paradisegive us one goddamn thing?!
What have we done to deserve this?
Just one acceptable couple heading into the finale?
I take back everything I ever said about Evans weird courtship.
My kingdom for a Lacey and Danielle.
Because THIS?THIS?These three weirdo couples is the best we can do.
Thats a goddamn tragedy.
But what are we gonna do?
Were going to suffer through it because weve come this far.
We must see this through.
Lets get into it.
The finish line is just around the corner.
Its the morning after something and everyone is settling into their relationships.
Everyone is at relative peace with their fate.
A date card shows up and its for American Jordan: Its time to get camera-ready.
Oh, for fucks sake.
Were gonna have to see this Orlando Zoolander flop around.
Jenna is confronted with a wedding dress and she promptly has a meltdown.
First of all, who goes to their wedding photos in a fucking wedding dress.
Oh, dear sweet baby girl.
Youre being asked to wear a wedding dress in the ocean with someone who is basically a stranger.
Any and all feelings are expected and accepted.
I think Im rooting for Jordan and Jenna.
Help …
Once they come back from their engagement shoot date, theres a new arrival!
OH SHIT ITS ROBBY.
Who wants him here?
Were not doing failed athletes anymore.
Were only interested in ex-social-media participants.
GET HIM OUT OF HERE.
Jordan is immediately on edge.
Theres another Hair out there.
Robby has a date card and approximately zero options.
Robby takes the girls aside and theyre all committed to their Paradise beaus.
Most of them arent willing to go out with Robby because hes a cheater and 65 percent plastic.
I mean … who gives a shit right?
Hes looking for a fresh start and Shu is just gullible enough to give it to him.
For literally no reason.
She keeps telling him that hes not serious.
Kendall keeps insisting that they avoid serious conversations and Joe says no,you do that.Remember that.
Kendall heads to bed in a stupor.
Joe can sense somewhere deep down in his soul that something is wrong.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
I gotta ask something is John more charming … in person?
Listen, hes a programmer, not a poet.
Olivia takes Shu aside to tell her that Robby is a human garbage can.
Do not date him.
Shu asks if Robby is a cheater and Robby says no, so were good here?
Kendall says that they only decided to become exclusive because thats what they were supposed to do.
Hold the fuck on, Kendall.
Thats not exactly what happened.
Kendall says that Joe never expressed how he was feeling for her.
Then she switches her story that theres a lot they havent talked about.
WHICH IS IT KENDALL.
I AM DEFENDING GROCERY STORE JOE RIGHT NOW.
DO WE REALIZE HOW FAR WE HAVE FALLEN?
Kendall finally says that we had to [be exclusive] and Joe says stop saying we.
This is all Kendall and Joe stands up for himself and says hes going to leave.
Basically Joe had his own feelings and desires and she freaked out.
Kendall knows shes going to have regrets.
I look forward to their inevitable engagement on the reunion show.
At the rose ceremony, the roses all are given to the expected partners.
Olivia gives her rose to John.
Im seeing it less each week.
The next morning, Chris Harrison comes in and says its the last day in Paradise.
Everyone must decide if theyre going to head into the fantasy suites.
The more casual couples decide to leave.
Olivia and John decide to leave … together?
And the rest of the serious couples have to decide what theyre going to do.
Jenna and Jordan are headed to the fantasy suite and so are Krystal and Chris.
Its time for Kevin and Astrid to decide if theyre headed for the fantasy suite.
Yes, finally, the one couple we all can believe in NOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
He doesnt seem to be able to take a risk so he breaks up with Astrid.
Out of nowhere after confessing his love and devotion.
But hes only 80 percent in.
Astrid decides to get up and leave because she cant process whats happening and shes seething.
Kevin screams out DONT LEAVE ME HERE.
Oh no, buddy.
I love you but you lost all right to shout that across the beach into the sunset.
I look forward to their inevitable engagement at the reunion.
Everyone has said I love you and everyone has a big plate of Polish sausage.
See you for the finale and reunion tomorrow!
