Bachelor in Paradise
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This episode right here?
Becca cheerfully going to see Colton confirms to me that under her Minnesota personality lies a cold obsidian heart.
Theres no viewing of Becca that makes this moment make sense.
Go do a different thing.
Go do literally any different thing.
But the real question is: Do we care?
Do any of us care?
Do any of us care about the closure between Becca and Colton?
This is not why Im here.
Becca tells Colton that its okay for him to feel his feelings and express them.
Partially because thats a healthy thing to do but theres the added bonus that women will find it attractive!
Then just Becca just leaves.
Bye, I guess?
Its the next day in Paradise and the men have the power to give out the roses.
Exactly how are we doing the rose ceremonies?
I feel like we just had one and yet were months away from our next one.
Anneliese gets a losers edit from the moment she wakes up.
Did you think it would be a 1920s cigarette girl?
No, its … Jenna?
Jenna matched her hair to her Fashion Nova shorts set.
She also says shes looking for her storybook romance and shes an alien.
Chris Harrison gives her a date card and sends her into the resort.
Jordan looks at her dumb face and his dumb jaw drops.
Meanwhile Anneliese is this weeks lesson in dramatic irony.
She keeps talking about how connected she is with Jordan and how he would make a good father.
Jordan says that he believes that he and Jenna can burn the place down.
Jenna seems to pick Jordan after he tosses the cake plate into the sea.
Thats a terrible sentence.
Caroline shows up in Paradise the next morning with a date card.
All of the women immediately realize that this week is going to shake up some of the relationships.
Caroline takes some of the guys aside and shes shaking like a chihuahua.
Shes SO nervous and has absolutely no idea where to stand or where to put her hands.
She finally asks Venmo John on a date and they feed street cats and dance to a mariachi band.
The next morning, theres another new arrival.
My favorite misunderstood hero!
Shes out of the military and ready to mingle.
Shes ready to look for smart and nerdy guys.
Caroline is not happy.
Jubilee finally asks John to explain exactly how hes involved with Venmo (he coded the iPhone app).
Jubilee asks WHY ARE YOU HERE?
Jubilee has her finger on the pulse of America.
He sets up candles because shes brought love and light into his life.
She tells him shes just not feeling it.
Look at Pretty Boy Kenny King!
Krystal goes right from hanging out with Kenny to talking to Chris.
Can you imagine more of a downgrade?
Chris tells her that hes never kissed a blonde before and pulls her in close for a kiss.
Its better if we dont figure out what it means.
The next morning, Chris is bragging to all the guys that he kissed Krystal.
Chris is the most trash of all the men in Paradise.
He looks like a diagram in the dictionary next to the definition of trash.
Hes Trash: Figure No.
He can have dinner with one and drinks with another and he ranks who is worthy of what meal.
TO BE CONTINUED…
