Bachelor in Paradise
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If you asked me the age of anyone on this season ofBachelor in Paradiseand Id answer: 26.
I dont care how old anyone actually is.
These people are 26 years old.
And I know youre sitting there saying Ali, you arent that old yourself.
How can you look down on these contestants on the beach?
Werent you just 26 a few years ago?
Thats how I know that theyre all acting tuh-win-tee-seex.
You probably pay for a gym membership you cant afford, and you keep forgetting to cancel.
How, Trent?!
Who will pay you for that?!
All these bitches are 26.
Tia confronts him after Colton fills her in and Chris acts like an unbelievable asshole.
Tia can barely form words.
Her mistake is trying to convince Chris that he did something wrong.
Someone who walks around unironically calling themselves the Goose and wearing aKarate Kidheadband cannot be shamed.
Krystal says that she was feeling giddy and excited about Chris but now its tarnished.
I want to put him in a cannon and fire him into the ocean.
Before Tia can gather her very scattered thoughts, Jacqueline comes in and shes got a date card!
Shes only got eyes for Colton.
Bibiana knows shes screwed and this is all going to end with a mess.
Jacqueline takes Colton aside at the exact moment that Tia wants to talk to Colton.
This causes Tia to enter an emotional spiral thats untenable for what is acting like 10:30 in the morning.
Colton turns Jacqueline down for a date.
Jacqueline takes Kenny on the date and they are adorable together.
They talk about their heritages and Kenny talks about traveling to Guyana to see where his family comes from.
There have been more thoughtful and interesting conversations onBachelor in Paradisedates this season.
One thing thats mildly annoying is people keep saying Kenny is actually interesting or actually very intelligent.
Why wouldnt he be?
Kenny and Jacqueline make out and Kenny carries her back to the resort.
Is anyone else EXHAUSTED?
I already lived through my mid-20s.
Im in mylate-20s now!
I dont have time for this bullshit.
I also cant stand Coltons excuse that he doesnt want to hurt Tia.
Thats not a real excuse for why a man wont date her.
When Kenny gets back, Anneliese has a surprise for him.
Two tiny bowls of melted ice cream.
His second kiss of the episode.
The next morning, the ladies are all scoping out their options.
The guysstillhave the roses because WE HAVENT GOTTEN TO THE ROSE CEREMONY YET.
Colton takes Tia asideagainto talk about their relationship.
This is a whole lot of drama for two dates six months ago.
Colton lets her know that he doesnt want to hurt her and says he cant date anyone else.
Tia cant believe what shes hearing and asks him if hes choosing her.
Whoa whoa whoa slow down Tia …
WWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Its FINALLY time for the rose ceremony.
Kenny is kissing EVERYONE.
Hes smooching SO MANY BITCHES.
He needs to choose between Jacqueline, Caroline, and Anneliese.
(Thats my list in order of preference.
He jokes about Edgar Allan Poe with Jacqueline.
Thats cute as hell.)
He steals the giant stuffed puppy that David gave Jenna and throws it in the ocean without saying anything.
He told some other adults to shut the fuck up.
Eric is the healing spirit and brings Jordan to a place of reconciliation with the ladies.
Also, Venmo John isripped.
Time for the rose ceremony.
David gives his rose to Chelsea (so why even mess with Jenna?
), Kevin gives his rose to Astrid, Chris gives his rose to Krystal.
Theyre gonna end up together, arent they?
Venmo John gives his rose to Jubilee, Joe gives his to Kendall.
Colton gives his rose to Tia and they free our souls from this nightmare.
Eric gives his rose to Angela.
Kenny has the final rose and he gives it to Anneliese.
Jacqueline and Bibiana both get good-bye packages and Nysha and Caroline leave silently into that sweet Mexican night.
