Bachelor in Paradise
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We dont have any other footage!
There has to be SOMETHING ELSE we can air!
Did you look through all the back-up cameras?
All they caught were crabs crawling around the hot tub!
What are we gonna do?
This is really bad.
No, no, we can make this worse.
What if we … lean into the skid?
What are you saying?
You want toadd more footage?
Listen, this is bad enough.
Weve got him kissing multiple women and snarking about how many people hes kissing.
What if we justadd moreand say its ironic?!
Thats not what irony is!
Do you have any ideas?
Our edit is due and we dont have any other options.
Theres only so much ABC could do,I GUESS.So here we are.
Watching a guy who was being investigated by Universal Studios for sexual-harassment allegations kiss his way through Paradise.
Hes at least a Champion.
Lets get into it.
The episode starts, and the girls are upstairs smudging sage on each other.
This feels like a completely necessary step.
Everyone here should be smudging their pussies every night.
This week the girls have the power and they are going to use it.
There are going to be new men entering Paradise.
Jordan is ready to not take no for an answer.
Everyone keeps saying that they understand why Jordan freaked out even if they dont like how he reacted.
Dont understand someone having a bizarre jealous freak-out.
He threw a dog into the ocean because the girl he liked was talking to someone else.
We shouldnt understand this behavior past the third grade.
Teach your boys some emotional coping skills.
The first guy of the week walks in and its Leo.
He might be a creepy weirdo but … that hair, tho.
Hes got a date card.
you’re able to see every womans vagina awaken.
Chelsea literally fans herself with her hand while she talks about Leo.
Everyone suddenly turns into a Southern lady on a front porch.
Leo makes his rounds and he ends up choosing Kendall for a date.
Nobody on this season gives a single damn about each others feelings.
Theyre just asking themselves Is my vagina dancing?
Joe tells Kendall that he hopes it rains and that she has a horrible date with Leo.
Based on what we know about Leos courtship style, were all hoping for that.
Joe tries to kiss her before she leaves on her date and she goes in for a hug.
Thats not a good sign, Joe.
Leo and Kendall head out for their date and its a cover shoot for a romance novel.
Jorge, the former bartender in Paradise, has written a romance novel.
Later, Kendall says some guy wrote a romance novel.
Arie plays Raul, an honest hard-working ranchero and Ben Warsaw, Indiana Higgins plays Bradfordo, a mariachi.
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS in my notes.
Leo ends up just picking up Kendall in different outfits and they stare deep into each others eyes.
They come back to Paradise in matching robes and slicked back hair.
That is rom-com code for We just banged and shared blueberry waffles on the veranda.
Kendall, lemme make this easy for you you dont have two feelings for two guys.
You like Joe and you wanna bang Leo.
Meanwhile, Leo has scurried off with Chelsea in the rain to dip their feet in the hot tub.
He asks her if shes naked under her matching set.
I cant with this dude.
They end up making out while Kendall is freaking out about her feelings.
The next morning, Kenny shows up with a date card from the producers and its for Colton!
He chooses Tia and she thinks today will be the day Colton asks her to be his girlfriend.
I really dont think boyfriend/girlfriend labels apply in Paradise.
Its a Bermuda Triangle of labels.
Its Raven and Adam!
A Paradise success story!
Raven is there to provide some folksy reality to Tia.
Adam is there to hang out with some dude he doesnt know in Mexico.
After Colton and Tia win their dance contest, Tia sits down with Raven.
Tia says that she can tell Colton is a good guy.
How can any woman know if literally any man is a good guy?
Him telling you that hes a good guy is not evidence.
Were looking for GOOD BEHAVIOR.
Raven says if Colton doesnt act right, shes going to rip his dick off.
Back in Paradise, theres a new gentleman coming down the steps.
Its tiny French-Canadian delight, Benoit!
No one knows who he is.
He takes Jenna on his date card.
Jordan is melting down.
His grand plan to win Jenna back is to write Im Sorry in the sand.
Cut to Benoit and Jenna MAKING OUT.
Benoit was lipstick all over his face.
Jenna carries Benoit on her back out into the streets.
Then they eat a churroLady and the Trampstyle.
White people think thats way more hilarious than it is.
Back in Paradise, Jordan shows Jenna his handiwork and says that he doesnt apologize.
He asks her to compare his connection to Benoits and you dont want her to do that Jordan.
He says if it takes losing a battle to win the war, hes fine with that.
The episode ends with Jenna and her blurry lipstick breaking down in the confessional.
How can she choose?
