American Idol
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You know damn well she shouldve embraced Cruella de Vil drag.
Give me sneers, give me foot-long cigarette holders, give me Tallulah Bankhead stank.
Cruella is a hero.
She mocked Rogers songwriting to his face and then became the muse for his only iconic hit!
Thats a princess who deserves a throne.
But instead, we mostly got a predictable list of Oscar-acknowledged Disney songs without many ingenious additions.
No Caleb Lee Hutchinson croaking his way through thePrincess and the Frog.
No Ada Vox cackling Ooh, I think hesrather tasty!
fromAladdins One Jump Ahead.
And no Michael J. Woodard singing Heigh Ho and making it sound like a Bruno Mars No.
You aint never had a ranking-obsessed recapper like me.
But it was weird, guys.
I have the same frightening, staccato remembrances ofZoanette Johnsons Circle of Lifeperformance from season 12.
And she was a little flat!
Props to her for staying composed as spooky B-roll fromMelancholiaplayed behind her, though.
Her cozy strumming hearkens back to the greatestSNLcharacter of all time, Ana GasteyersCinder Calhoun(Basted in Blood!
), and that is comforting.
But lets be real: Bare Necessities is hokum thats hard to perform without sounding silly.
Her cool Natalie Merchant soul andThe Jungle Books ode to minimalist bear lifestyles just didnt mix.
It needed more of a wink.
You cannot mumble past the words blue corn moon like they didnt happen.
You cant ask, Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
without giving me some Vanessa Williams gravitas with which to stomach it.
You cant sing, [Have you] asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?
without stopping a moment to giggle because why is this bobcat so saucy?
This felt like a respectful but uninspired cover, with little in the way of connection to the lyrics.
And Lionels note that Michelle was finally showing us who she is felt a little patronizing.
We get it, you think shes Spanish and nothing else.
(I cant explain it, but I have trouble giving Lin-Manuel Miranda credit for things.
Its like he enjoys rhyming too much or something?
I told you I cant explain it!)
Thankfully, Jurnees performance was so loose and sensual, it became a breakout moment.
Jurnees voice is delicate but self-possessed, and her subtlety remains shocking on a dystopian cybergala likeAmerican Idol.
Katy Perry all but screamed, Youre current and viable and we love that about you!
Im still pissed Annie Potts wasnt inToy Story 3, by the way.
3, Dennis Lorenzo, Can You Feel the Love Tonight?
His maturity and vocal straightforwardness do not pander, and Can You Feel the Love Tonight?
would have the soul of an empty margarine tub with a try-hard at the mic.
She wasnt above the occasion.
She dove into it with that fierce, strange color-guard-captain commitment.
Face it, shes a cunning competitor and a real talent.
Im wary of people who like hugs too much but shes working this karaoke derby right.
It was a Hail Mary and it successfully hailed Mary (Blige, of course).
He can make any stale ballad typically chanted by a Tony-winning teapot fun again.
He was a consummate statesman and showman, but he never seemed giddy about the whole pick-up-the-phone-and-vote-for-me thing.
We needed more Adam Lambert theatrics this year and Michelles belly-dancing, Selena-invoking stuntery couldve been even more garish.
But baby, lock them doors: It might be inevitable.
