American Idol
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All hail theAmerican Idolsolo round.
Weve got 742 auditions to analyze and cherish, so lets quit with formalities and get into the slayage.
Im surprised she hasnt dyed her hair fuchsia or dressed the mic stand in Stevie scarves.
Id pay her to scream the entire Pink discography at my quinceanera.
Marcio Donaldson, (You Make Me Feel Like a) Natural WomanI almost enjoyed this.
What does You make me feel like a natural man even mean?
Stay tuned in the semifinals for Marcio to tackle Cyndi Laupers hit Men Also Enjoy Fun, OK?
and Madonnas pop classic Material Person.
Effie Passero, AloneEven a casualAmerican Idolviewer knows Alone has been on this damn show.
All household names, all screamers of Alone.
Shes got a Sinead radness to her, a self-possession that feels mature and decidedly un-mainstream.
I like her, but Im still amped for more creative song selections.
Taylor Dayne has a half-dozen singles we could be plundering right now.
Dont Rush Me, anyone?
Instead, she soothes my nerves and sort of confounds my brain.
But its as if she said, Heres Feel It Still by Portugal.
The Man and then performed Sexual Healing for the hell of it.
He slows down the song and imbues a sort of Hozier gravitas into the mix.
Also: Noah looks likea young John Madden, and I cant get it off my mind.
Catie Turner, PityIm not sure whether Im for or against Catie Turners chortling, aw-shucksy screen presence.
If Im being honest, the song is awful and verbose.
I muttered Nice after both performers concluded their respective versions.
Arguably the worst word we have.
Daaaamn.Jagged Millennial Pillup in here.
Her vocal was precise and articulate, drawing out the escalating cynicism with jarring clarity.
Next, Maddie should perform a version of Sunny Came Home where Sunny burns down Instagram headquarters.
Today, she seemed doomed again when she complained to us that shed lost her voice.
Whats next, a unicycle?
Stick to the hip-popping gay anthems and leave theVictorytour footwork to the pros.
I guess we always need moody nice guy anthems?
But man, Danny from New Orleans.
What a dreamy little mensch.
Deonte Baker, Too Good at Good-byesDeonte has more gesticulations and sudden outbursts than a hit televangelist.
I want to see him exorcise studio audience members and scream a phone number at a frightened cameraperson.
Trevor Holmes, HomeIn case youve forgotten, Trevor Holmes is handsome.
This time she picked a more traditional angle, a Patty Griffin song once covered by underratedIdolrunner-up Crystal Bowersox.
My concern: She seems too polite to hit us with a sonic thrashing.
I want to be thrashed!
I thought we both understood that!
Shannon OHara, Up to the MountainShannon OHara, a.k.a.
Lil Karen Kilgariff, is here to exhibitcontrol.
Pure, restrained vocalizing with a diplomatic grin at the end.
I cant pictureIdolvoters rallying behind her, but I also cant picture the judges leaving her behind.
Genevieve Linkowksi looks like shes been through math-team tryouts and a couple of yearbook meetings.
She trilled admirably but gave us none of the lived-in rancor that made Praying a surprise radio hit.
Gabbii Jones, Million ReasonsControversial choice here, but I think this may be Lady Gagas worst single.
Its too maudlin, too self-serious in its pomp, and too unadventurous lyrically.
Mind you, her stagewear is so rad Id just as soon let her through to the Top 24.
Thaddeus Johnson, RiseUn-controversial choice here, but Rise is definitely Katy Perrys most boring single.
A soaring final note sent him into the stratosphere, but the whole thing was a captivating rallying call.
Kay Kay, Set Fire to the RainSaw some sparks on the rain this time!
It wasnt a full forest fire, but those were some sizzling droplets.
Can we update our Adele song choices, though?
Wheres my sensual take on Send My Love (to Your New Lover)?
Is it weird that thats my favorite Adele song?
Laine Hardy, Fire AwayThe dream teen used his much-vauntedquiet energyto give us a Chris Stapleton rendition.
It waspurdyat best, a little nondescript otherwise.
Like Harper Grace, he has the name of a heroine in a John Grisham novel.
Thats not important really, but I cant stop thinking about these kids and their cryptic, cutesy monikers.
Michael J. Woodard, Maybe This TimeUm, didyouexpect this guy to roll out a Liza jam?
And did you expect him to turn it into such a money-money-money song?
I was agape from note one, blown away by his song choice and his rollicking, flavorful tone.
I rose from my chair and hollered like a wizened old barkeep at the Kit Kat Klub.
